Put on some clothes and let's go to the IHOP baby

Etcetera
Album: R
1998

Full verse:
Put on some clothes and lets go to the IHOP, baby
(Let's go to the IHOP, babe)
No, no, no (Baby, we just made love)
No matter how good the food may taste, ooh
(No matter how the food may taste)
I'm still thinkin' about your body baby
(It's your body I'm thinkin'of), yes, I am

Here we see the highly complex R.—a man we like to think of as invincible,iron-clad —undergoing an internal struggle. Does he want to do it with this girl some more, or does he want to go to IHOP for pancakes? You can almost see the lingerie-clad angel and shirtless devil dueling it out on R.’s big, gleaming shoulders.

R: “Yo. Babe. Put on some clothes and let’s go the IHOP, baby.”

Angel, confirming: (Let’s go the the IHOP, babe)

Devil, grinding rhythmically: “No, no, no.”

R. pauses. The Devil explains: (Baby, we just made love.)

The Devil re-iterates: “No matter how good the food may taste, ooh”

[But here the Devil may have made a mistake. Saying that about the food reminds R. of the Butter Pecan Dressing — it really IS so delicious…]

But wait! The Devil hasn’t finished his thought. Let him finish, R.: (No matter how the food may taste)

Devil, triumphantly: “I’m still thinkin’ about your body baby”

R. nods his head and turns to his girl with that look in his eye. R.’s girl looks at him suspiciously, like maybe he’s still thinkin’ about that butter pecan dressing. He reassures her: (It’s your body I’m thinkin’ of)

R: “Yes, I am.”

And it’s on.

"And then she wouldn't know what to do-We'll be standing there singing"

Same Girl (Featuring Usher!)
Double Up
2007

Full Verse:
Homie we about to bust this trick Man
just ask her to met up with you and Im gonna show up too
And then she wouldn't know what to do
Well be standing there signing




So here you have R. Kelly and Usher slowly gathering that they've been with the Same Girl. And not only have they both been sexing this same girl but they both think they *may* love her. ("She's the apple of your eye, and my potential wife!") Its quite fun to listen to them figure it out ("She like Waffle House? Yep. She got a Kid? Yep. She work for TBS? Yep." ) and then quite moving to see how gentlemanly they are about it once they figure it out.

How refreshing in this day in age to see two reasonable men putting their friendship first and coming up with a plan to get back at her. I can't quite tell what their plan is, though, because from the sound of this verse it sounds like they're going to trick her into meeting up with both of them, and then- THEY'RE GOING TO SING!

Umm, excuse me guys, but there's just one problem with this plan: That sounds awesome! I would love it if I were secretly dating both R.Kelly and Usher and then one day I arrived at the hotel lobby or wherever they'd asked me to meet, and there they both were, singing! This girl should be so lucky. I mean, she's just some chick who works at TBS, for God's sake.

"the way we bout to have fun we dont need nothin on nothin on except our socks "

Put My T-Shirt On
TP.3 Reloaded
2005

Full Verse:
the way we bout to have fun we dont need nothin on nothin on except our socks
an i wont u gurl i wont u gurl to hell wit the clock so come out the bathroom get on in this bed let me love you gurl from your feet to head first i was goin to work now im not goin to work all because that t-shirt HEY

Whoa, R. likes to do it with with socks on? Or not only likes to do it with socks on but apparently "needs" socks on? And for you to have socks on too? Is that really kinky in an R. Kelly kind of way or is that really sort of sweet and endearing? I don't know. I guess it depends what kind of socks.

"We'll be making love like the restaurant was closed"

Sex in the Kitchen
TP.3 Reloaded
2005
Full Verse:
Sex in the kitchen over by the stove
Put you on the counter by the buttered rolls
Hands on the table, on your tippy toes
We'll be making love like the restaurant was closed

So here R. takes us somewhere we all know and love- the kitchen- to explore what sex would be like there. And it turns out- it's totally hot!

In listening to this song I've always assumed we're talking about your average household kitchen. But something just caught my attention. Notice he says like the restaurant is closed. Kinda makes you wonder if this whole song takes place in a restaurant's kitchen, not R.'s kitchen. And that they're doing it in this restaurant kitchen, and this restaurant is actually open. Gross.

This is from Pete:

Jesus, have you read that song? It's not a sexaphor, it's just straight sex. Like graphic, super hot, soft core style sex. That happens to take place in a kitchen. No puns like "your buns are hot," rather "I'm going to have sex with you next to the buns/rolls". It's like a letter to penthouse forums. Seriously, this song is ridiculous. The guy that sits next to me in class goes to church and I was having to switch in and out of the window with the lyrics, trying to keep him from seeing them.

"Gonna Get U So Excited, Once I Taste Ur Milky Way"

Sex Planet
Double Up
2007

This whole song revolves around the sexaphor of space. Once again, you get the idea that when R. was racking his brain for a subject matter for a song he eventually thought about outer spacer, then was like, that's it! Outer Space! ...And Sex.

This line in particular strikes me as funny and genius because, as Pete pointed out, a Milky Way is actually something you would take a bite out of- the candy bar- and so this is maybe even a triple meaning.

"Now let's sex to the cut"

Sex Weed
TP.3 Reloaded
2005

This ends the first verse of this excellent R. Kelly song that uses weed as a sexaphor.
Full Verse:
Light it up, light it up
Smoke it up, smoke it up
Exhale, exhale
Now let's sex to the cut

Is this a great way to start a song or WHAT? "Sex to the cut?" He just doesn't want to miss out on any opportunity to use the word sex. Do you think he has some ideas for lyrics like, "Let's cut to the chase", and then shakes his head to himself and thinks, that's just not right! Then he thinks for a while, has a little sex, smokes on some trees, gets faded, makes a baby, then it hits him- I know, I'll change it to "Let's sex to the cut"!!

Also, at this point I'd like to call attention to R.Kelly's basic song writing technique:
You take a setting or object
And then you think of how you could have sex in this place or in honor of this object.
Like you have 'The Zoo', where R. Kelly goes on for a long time about how having sex is like being in a zoo. Or ' Sex Panet', where he uses space as a setting for sex. Then you have 'Sex in the Kitchen', which should explain itself. In this case, 'Sex Weed', isn't so much a place but you still get the idea someone was like,
"Hey R., why don't you write a song about smoking weed?"
And R. was like, "Good idea. I'll write a song about weed...and sex."

"If I'm not faded or...making a baby"

Leave Your Name
Double Up
2007

Full verse:
Leave your name right after the beep and I'm
Sure to get back with you
If I'm not asleep or
Smoking on some trees or
Having a little sex or
If I'm not faded or
Making a baby

This comes from an epic song that's written as if it were R. Kelly's outgoing message on his answering machine. Or it might just actually BE his outgoing message for all I know. Whatever it is, it's genius. The entire message is jammed packed with information about a typical night for R.- drinking too much Hennessey, hanging out in hotel lobbies and then going to after parties (two activities we already know he enjoys), sleeping in the club, starting fights. It's really a great window into the real R.... This chorus is especially informative because it breaks it all down for us. Basically, here's how it works: If you're R. Kelly you will at all times be doing one of 5 things. Sleeping, smoking pot, having sex, being faded, or making a baby. (That last one not be confused with the third). Thanks for simplifying it for us, R.!!

"Girl, we gon' mess around and get a ticket, Babe"

Ignition
Chocolate Factory
2003

To put this line in context, here's the whole verse:
It's like woo...pull over, baby And let me put this
love van off in your trunk, babe So buckle up
'cause this can get bumpy, babe
Girl, we gon' mess around and get a ticket, babe

This song is jammed packed with metaphors that are too damn sexy to just be called metaphors. Maybe sex-a-phors? (Maybe a good word to describe R. Kelly's entire lyric writing system?) In any case, it's a hot little scene R.'s painting for us. He's sparing no expense. You got driving stick, shifting gears, hitting corners, putting things in trunks. It is HOT. But in my pathetic innocence on the subject of hot car sex, can I ask this: What's getting a ticket a sexaphor for? And if it's not a sexaphor for anything- if R.'s just saying their sex is going to be that good that they're going to get a ticket for having it- doesn't that sound like a real way to ruin the mood? (see picture)

"'Cause hey, I'm Black, handsome and rich, plus I sing"

I'm a flirt/I'm a flirt (remix)
Double Up
2007

There's really a lot going on with this song, and as always, it was hard to pick just one line. Expect other lines from this song to get some time here later. I personally think this song should be called "I'm going to sleep with your girlfriend," or something to that effect, as R. spends most of the time giving the reader this open warning/threat. That's nice of him I guess. But wait... What makes R. think he can win my girl over so easily? Please, he spells it out for you, with three, no wait, four very good reasons.

The first time I heard this line, I realized that based on this description, R. is the exact opposite of me. I'm poor (tons of student debt), white, can't sing at all and not particularly handsome. (see left).


The real genius of this song may have been releasing exact same single twice, and calling one version a remix. I honestly can't tell the difference between the two, except for maybe some mediocre rap verses and an annoying synthesizer hook you can barely hear.

"Cristal poppin' in the stretch Navigator, We got food everywhere as if the party was catered"

Ignition (Remix)
Chocolate Factory
2003
Was the party catered? Maybe. We're not sure. What we are sure of is that there is ample food for everyone. So much food it would make you say "Wow. Did R. pay to have this event catered?"