Cuz when a woman's fed up...It ain't nothing you can do about it

Song Title: When a Woman's Fed Up
Album: R in R&B, 2003

Full Verse:
Cuz when a woman's fed up
(No matter how you beg, no)
It ain't nothing you can do about it
(Nothing you can do about it)
It's like running out of love
(No matter what you say, no)
And then it's too late to talk about it
(Too late to talk about it)

Maybe I'm just getting sappy because it's the holidays, but this R. Kelly song got me a little choked up. Here he is, lamenting the loss of a woman he really loved because of his bad behavior ("I hurt you too too many times"), and making one last attempt to get her back ("Hey woman, if you're listening, I said I miss you baby").

Now, as a Billy Joel fan first and foremost, I was extra excited to realize that this is just an updated version of his song, "Tell Her About It", where Billy sings about the mistakes he's made with women in the past in hopes of preventing a nice young man from loosing his own girl.
See here:

Listen boy
Don't want to see you let a good thing
Slip away
You know I don't like watching
Anybody make the same mistakes I made

Similarly, R. says "If you don't want to find out the hard way, Then listen to this song while the record plays". And man, it seems R. really did find out the hard way. He sounds so sad in this song! It ends tragically, with lines like: "And if you ever get her back, It will never be the same", and "Some of the best cookin' you ever had/ Yes, it was and I miss her."

Awwww.... R.!

Best of both worlds, holla at your boy

R. Kelly has done it again. He's taken a paradigm of mine and turned it completely on its head.

See entire verse:
Make up, and break up, that's all we do
Then we have sex, next thing you know
Everything is cool
Best of both worlds, holla at your boy

See, this whole time I thought that those yo-yo, dramatic, make-up/break-up, back and forth relationships sucked. In fact, I went out of my way to avoid them. One could even say I saw them as the WORST of both worlds; you've got the time commitment of a make up AND the rejection of a break up.

But it turns out (Thank you, R.) I was just looking at this all wrong. The inverse is true. You've got the sex-having that comes with making up and the telling each other off that comes with breaking up. And telling each other off is so much fun! When else are you going to have the chance to stand up, pull your pants on, and say, all sassy-like, "Yeah, bitch? Well what you eat don't make me shit."

And then storm out the room.

"What they eat don't make us shit"

Song Title: Real Talk
Album: Double Up, 2007

Full Verse:
You See What Your Problem Is,
You're Always Running Of At The Mouth Telling Your Girls Your
Motherfucking Business, When
They Dont Eat With Us, They Dont Sleep With Us, Besides
What They Eat Don't Make Us Shit
Real Talk

I'm sorry to be beating a dead horse here, but this one line of this song has been stuck in my head ever since watching the video of Real Talk and I'm just overwhelmed by the genius of it.

In an effort to really drive home his point that his girlfriend's girlfriends have no place in their relationship, he screams "what they eat don't make us shit!" Meaning, of course, that R. and his woman have their own relationship independent of her friends.

But what a visual way to say this! I think it's one of his best lines and also a good mantra for us all to use when life's got us down. Your boss on your case? Just remind yourself, what she eats don't make you shit. Your parents on your back about not having a job anymore? What they eat don't make you shit. Your girlfriend on your case about being at a club with lots of other women and then sleeping with them all? Well, what she eat doesn't make you shit either. It's just what you eat that makes you shit. (See Diagram).

Unbound

Click here for an excellent article about R. Kelly from a July 2007 issue of The New Yorker, written by Sasha Frere-Jones. It explores the strangeness of R. Kelly's professional decisions since he was arrested for child pornography and/or having sex with a 14 year old in 2002.

While repeatedly swearing his innocence, R. has stepped up his rate of album releases and, as we know all too well, made no attempt to curb sexual content in his songs. If anything his songs have gotten more raunchy since his legal trouble began, the sexaphors flying at a rate so high it takes a whole blog to keep up with them.

As Frere-Jones points out, "Many people facing serious criminal charges related to sexual conduct would not include a song called “Sex Planet” on their CD, or, if they did, would probably omit the line about a 'trip to planet Uranus.'"

She wonders what we've all been wondering- is R. laughing with us or is he just crazy? "In a move that is either sheer gall or evidence that Kelly may not be aware of the gravity of his legal situation, he begins one verse with the words 'I swear to tell the truth and the whole truth.'"

But the main reason I like this article is that she's not merely pointing out R.'s misguided lyric writing in the face of a criminal trial, she's also very aware of the genius of R. Kelly. "Kelly’s persona is off-putting, but it is hard not to be taken by his talent." She says his delivery is "rhythmically articulate and harmonically rich. Random words are isolated, harmonized, and sent in unexpected directions..." Which is all true, and I'm glad that in a publication as revered as The New Yorker, R.'s musical effectiveness is at least mentioned.

She calls his songs, "artlessly horny but effective sex songs", which I think we can all agree is the highest praise R. Kelly could ever ask for.

"Look in my eyes and you will see, the diary of me"

Song Title: The Diary of Me
Album: Happy People / U Saved Me, 2004

Full Verse:

Just open the book (na-na-na-na-na-na)
Turn the pages of my life (na-na-na)
And you will read
A true story about one man's journey
...
Where I'm from
Who could believe
All the pain, misery
Look in my eyes and you will see
The diary of me

This song pretty much sums up what I love about R. Kelly. Say what you will about "peeing on children" and "cheating on his girlfriend with the hair braider", if nothing else we can agree R. is an open book. He's not afraid to tell us his faults or his gifts, his regrets, his accomplishments.

I mean, gee whiz, he's giving us the key to his diary!

"Bitch I Wish You Would Burn My Motherfucking Clothes"

Song Title: Real Talk
Album: Double Up, 2007

In this impassioned rant, R. is vehemently denying all the claims his girl is making about him being at the club with other women. He's very defensive about it- (read a previous post here) and as you listen to the song you can't help but be on his side. But when you watch the video you have to wonder if maybe, just maybe, every last thing she is acusing him of is true. Mostly having sex with other women. For instance, we've heard him sing before about Doin his Hairbraider, and in this very video, while he's on the phone denying he's sleeping with other women, he's getting his hair braided by his hair braider.

"Let's get together And mix cultures"

Song Title: Slow Wind
Album: TP3 Reloaded

Full Verse:
Let's get together
And make sweet love ye
Let's get together
And mix cultures
Let's get together
And change the world ye
Wind for me Jamiacan girl


Hey look! All this time we thought R. just really liked having sex. But really he's just trying to change the world! One sweet pussy at a time.

Ummm...

"Lying on the stairs snoring now"

Song Title: Leave Your Name
Album: Double Up, 2007

People saying Kellz is a hot mess
Even after that I was taking shots
Shot after shot
Shot after shot
then I couldn't even open the door to my Benz
Dropped off and I get in the door now
Lying on the stairs snoring now
Why you calling me calling me calling me?


Above is a probably very accurate account of a big night out for R. Kelly, as well as the specific reason he's not answering the phone at this moment. It comes as part of a long song that plays as if it is his outgoing message on his answering machine. (Though the real genius is in the chorus.)

It's a refreshing new take on the outgoing message, this brutal honesty about a night ending in a pathetic passing out on your own staircase. He could lie and say he brought home two girls and is busy with them, but instead he tells us callers exactly what went down, even if its not that glamorous.

Kinda inspires me want to change my outgoing message to say something more honest, like, 'I'm sitting hunched over in front of my computer looking up R. Kelly lyrics and re-checking my email inbox (which is empty) and wondering if its too early to have lunch and/or if its okay to have a third cup of coffee..."

"its the freakin weekend, baby, im about to have me some fun"

Song Title: Ingition - Remix
Album: R in R&B Collection Volume 1

Full Verse:
This is the remix to ignition
hot and fresh out the kitchen
mama rollin that body
got evey man in her wishin
sippin on coke and rum
I'm like so what im drunk
its the freakin weekend baby
I'm about to have me some fun

Here we are again at one of R.'s finest pieces of work. Both the original 'Ignition' and this remix are jammed packed with sexaphors comparing driving with sex. That's a no brainer for R. - I'm surprised actually that he doesn't have twenty songs comparing driving to sex.

But what I like about this line in particular is that he's acting like only on the weekend does he go to clubs and get drunk and have sex in cars. What does he do during the week??? Watch CSI and make macaroni and cheese? I was under the misguided impression that the reason R. has been able to sex such a wide variety of women in such a wide variety of places was that he went out every night!

Well, you learn something new everyday!

(Also- if you google image search the word 'weekend', about 50% of the images that come up involve cats remarking about how much they're looking forward to the weekend.)