"Shes a screamer, shes a screamer"

Song Title: Screamer
Album: 12 Play: Fourth Quarter

Full Verse:
Shawty is a screamer- Yea
Shes a screamer, shes a screamer
Be quiet
Girl calm down
You gotta be quiet


Happy Halloween everybody! For today's post I searched through R.'s archives to find something really scary and instead just found something really sexy. Well, at least I tried!

This song is all about how R. and this girl go to a bedroom during a party and have sex while the party is still going on, and he's so good in bed (we know, we know, R.- you don't have to keep telling us- we get the picture already) that she screams way too loud.

But R.'s conflicted. On the one hand, he's really into it- "I know they're hearin it // But she don't want me to take it out keep goin // And I don't really wanna take it out". He's into her vocals, at least at first- "I say I never heard somebody moanin like that". And even writes a sexalie about its appeal- "She screamin so sexy // It's tropical like a fantasy(yea)".

On the other hand, he's worried about his guests ("Slowly goin in hand on her mouth // Bout to have sex while it's people in my house".) And then the song ends with him saying "Girl Calm Down, You Gotta be Quiet", which implies after a while he really just wants her to shut up and stop screaming.

But really R., how can you expect a girl to keep it cool when you're spanking her/ rolling it/ ramming her hips ??

"Fuck Me? Girl Fuck You!"

Song Title: Real Talk
Album: Double Up, 2007

Full Verse:

You Call My Mommas House And What?
Girl My Momma Aint Gotta Screen No Calls For Me
Real Talk, And Watch Your Mouth
Fuck Me? Girl Fuck You!
I Dont Give A Fuck About What You're Talking About
Im Sick Of This Bullshit Im Coming Home
And Getting My Shit And Gettin Tha Fuck Up Out In A Dodge
You Aint Gotta Worry About Me No More
And The Next Time Your Ass Get Horny
Go Fuck One Of Your Funky Ass Friends
Hell Yeah, You Probably Doing That Shit Anyway
You Gonna Burn What?
Bitch I Wish You Would Burn My Motherfucking Clothes

This actually isn't so much of a verse as it is a long rant by R. Kelly about his girlfriend that he is not happy with. And it isn't so much evidence of his genius as it is just plain interesting. In most of R.'s song he's playing such a romantic (see: 'Sex At 1st Sight', or 'I like the crotch on you'), but in this one he's just plain pissed off. About normal relationship stuff. Like the girl being nice to R. when he gives her money and then yells at him later - "Robert you did this, Kells I heard you did that." Or like the girlfriends of his lady being way too involved in their lives. The guy's having relationship problems! Kinda makes him more human, right?

"Yup, I'm bragging and I don't giva fuck"

Song Title: Two Seater
Album: 12 Play: Fourth Quarter, 2008

Full Verse:
Yeah, man I gotta lot of hoes
Yup, I'm bragging I got alot of clothes
Yup, I'm bragging I got alot of cars
Yup, I'm bragging, bitch I'm a superstar
And Yup I'm bragging I got alot of ice
Yup, I'm bragging got stunners on at night
Yup, I'm bragging I'm ballin in the club
Yup, I'm bragging and I don't giva fuck

Well, at least we don't have to worry about R.'s self confidence.

This seems at first glance to be a far cry from his earlier reflections on his continuing prosperity and fame- (see: "I appreciate them for supportin R.Kelly" , where he is much more humble about his success) . Though I guess these lyrics don't imply he's not still grateful. He's just simultaneously calling us bitch and bragging about how much stuff he has.

Fair enough.

He is, after all, R. Kelly.

Lookin' at you from the inside of this internet

Song: 2nd Kelly
Album: R

What?

When I first read this line, I had a brief, Zoolander moment: "The files are inside the computer?"

Closely followed by an eery, 1984 moment, where I was like, "Shit! R. Kelly is the new B. Brother and he's watching everything I do from inside the internet!"

I furiously flipped through our blog. Is there anything on here that I don't want R. to know?

The answer is, No. There isn't. I'm proud of every single thing we've said. And if I were R., watching this blog from inside the internet, I'd realize, "Hey. These bloggers are accusing me of being handsome, sexy, deep, interesting and pretty much musically superior to everything out there. I've been accused of FAR worse things than that."

And how.

More to come on this song, by the way. It's deep, interesting and pretty much musically superiour to everything out there. Wait. What's that, R.? You say hold on? Oh, yes. You're right. It's musically superior to everything out there except R. Kelly's other songs. Duh, R. That's why I said 'pretty much.'

"i'm lovin' the way you're movin' erotic exotic sexy kittens sippin' hypnotic spotted you shakin it fast"

Song Title: Snake
Album: Chocolate Factory, 2003

Now, don't be fooled by the title of this song. Though it is called 'Snake' and though there are actually a few references to snakes ("I want to taste your venom"), this piece of genius is way more than just a song about Snakes as a sexaphor for sex. In this one song you get sexaphors surrounding a wide variety of topics, such as:

The club freezing (when she shakes her ass)
A string popping on a guitar
Cuban Cigar smoke
Parenting
Sports: the ball being in her court, etc.
Earthquakes
Serena Williams

See? This song is jammed packed! You really have to pay close attention to follow the story line. But I must admit, R. did kinda loose me with this kitten lyric. So it's a hypnotic kitten that's very exotic and also very erotic? I don't know about this one, R. .

It seems to me, when you're a giant superstar who tends to get in trouble for having sexual encounters with underage girls, you shouldn't start talking about how sexy very young animals are and how you'd like to do them.

Kittens, in my book, are better left described as cute.

"Now its like murder she wrote "

Song title: Ignition (Remix)
Album: Chocolate Factory, 2003

Full Verse:
now its like murder she wrote
once i get you out them clothes
privacy is on the door
still they can hear you screamin more
girl im feelin what you feelin
no more hopin and wishin
im bout to take my key and stick it in the ignition

In this post I'd like to just ask our readers for a little help. Can anyone lend any insight into how, exactly, this situation (R. having sex and/or driving) is at all like Murder She Wrote? I'm not saying it's NOT like Murder She Wrote- of course I trust R. completely to write appropriate sexaphors/ sexilies- but I would like some ideas on how this comparison in particular works.

It's love-o'clock and we're broadcasting live

Song: Weatherman
Album: Happy People/U Saved Me

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "A sex-a-phor! Look! He's using am radio lingo to talk about sex! I totally get it! I could write this blog myself!"

That's where you're wrong, dear readers. But good try anyway.

What this here is, is a love-a-phor, from a phase in his music-making that art historians will one day refer to as R. Kelly's Glee Period. In this album (Just look at the name—"Happy People/U Saved Me) R. stops thinking about sex in so many words for a minute and takes a fresh look around him, eyes a-twinkle. He thinks to himself: What a wonderful world!

Just look at some more of the lyrics from this song:

Hello world
It's a great day
And nothing but blue skies
Be thankful
Put a smile on your face
Tell somebody hi
Get your car shined
It's the weekend
And I can feel the love

It's R. Kelly's personal take on Zippity-Do-Da!

So how do we explain the sudden shift from sex-a-phor to love-a-phor? Easy, guys. This is a song that R. Kelly wrote seconds after getting laid in a seriously satisfying way. Maybe he did it pretty much all night long with some girl, and now it's morning, and the sun is shining, and the birds are chirping, and R. Kelly is just another happy dude on his way to IHOP for some pancakes.

God, it's so great to know that R. Kelly doesn't just go around sexing and feeling bored about it. He's not all, like, "Yeah, I'm doing my hair braider. But, whatever." This shit brings some serious joy into R. Kelly's life. Some serious LOVE. You know?

So take a hint. Get happy. Get your car shined. Have a good one.

"Hairbraider, huh I'm doin my hairbraider"

Song Title: Hair Braider
Album: 12 Play: Fourth Quarter, 2008

Full Verse:
hairbraider huh I'm doin my hairbraider
And she do my hair so good that I'm gonna tip her
The way she strip for me I gotta tip her

Um, ya think?
Of COURSE R.'s doing this hair braider.

I'm a little insulted he thinks he needs to spell this out for us. Doesn't he think we know him at all? I mean, at this point you gotta think any female R. comes into contact with he's gonna do. Not to say he isn't picky, but we have to assume anyone R. hires to braid his hair would have to be at least kinda sexy. And can you imagine R. sitting there, as this at least kinda sexy hair braider braids his hair, without trying to do her? I don't think so.

And then, in the next line, R.'s acting like he's being generous by tipping her. I should think he would!! Everyone tips their hairdresser. I tip mine and he doesn't even do me!

"I'm all up in your milk...oooh it taste like skittles"

Song Title: Sweet Tooth
Album: Double Up, 2007

Full Verse:
Got a sweet tooth for you girl
Baby I'm tempted to taste
I can't wait to drink your milk
Your looking like a big whole piece of cake
I'm all up in your milk
oooh it taste like skittles




So this whole song, as you probably guessed, is just one long sexaphor comparing doing it with his lady to eating candy. It's a natural, really. I'm surprised it took R. this long into his career to come up with it.

But in this line in particular, I have to ask this: is R mixing Sexaphors here? Milk, skittles- he's got alot of different things to compare your bodily fluids to, it seems.
And that's exactly why we love him.

"I appreciate them for supportin R.Kelly"

Song Title: "I like Love"
Album: Double Up, 2007

Full Verse:
Yeah I hope ya'll understand
You know what I'm sayin cause
There's people out there that
You know fans that will probably never get to see me
I'll probably never get to see them
But I want them to know that I love em
You know what I'm sayin
I appreciate them for supportin R.Kelly
The different countries All different cultures,
The world
Ya'll made me who I am
And I just wanna take this song to say thank you
God bless you and your families
Peace

Did we realize what a global sensation R. Kelly is? I know I didn't. But don't worry, R. does. And he's very grateful. For the support of ALL the different cultures. ALL the different countries.

Though I must admit, as much as I want every last person on this (sex) planet to know and love R. Kelly, I have to wonder how much his antics will appeal to the average man. For instance, when I went to Laos, I only heard two songs. 'Hotel California' and the the Titanic song, 'My Heart will Go On'. Neither of these give me much hope for R.'s popularity in this region of the world. I don't know if they even have lawnmowers and Legos over there.

Either I'm high or, I think I just saw a dolphin

Song Title: Big Chips
Album: Unfinished Business
Featuring: Jay-Z

Two very distinct possibilities: Either R. is high, or he thinks he just saw a dolphin.

Now, since this song purpotedly begins in Las Vegas with Jay-Z, it's important that, like R., we examine the situation carefully before jumping to any erroneous conclusions. There aren't many dolphins in Vegas. Then again, he sings this line on the fadeout. So it's very likely that by then, R. has already moved somewhere else. Who are we to question? R. Kelly doesn't have to check in with us if he wants to jet from Vegas to another place with girls in bikinis.

So let's say he is on the beach. Most people sitting on the beach, staring into the water, would assume that the finned, squeaky, self-righteous creature they saw cavorting with its dolphin bretheren WAS, in fact, a dolphin.

They might say, “Look! A dolphin!”

But imagine their embarrassment when, whoops! Not a dophin. Instead, they were just high.

R. Kelly, who’s singing about this dolphin not only to his [presumably hot female] companion but also to the entire world, has to be extra careful before he says for sure that that creature over there was a dolphin.

Either I'm high, or I think this line is awesome.

"And it's gotta be sexy so I'll think it through carefully"

Song Title: "Feelin' You in Stereo"
Album: Unfinished Business 2004

Full Verse:
I'm, in the studio thinkin' about my next hit song
Tryin' to come up with a melody that will turn you on
On the MPC3000 tryin' to come up with beats
That'll make come on over here and lay down here with me
I'm searchin' for that special mind blowin' melody
And it's gotta be sexy so I'll think it through carefully

Well now, here we have it. After weeks of hypothesizing about R.'s song writing techniques, we now have hard evidence. R. Kelly, as we guessed, is constantly trying to think of the absolute sexiest lyrics he possibly can, with the sole objective of having more sex. Case closed.

Is it time to end the blog?

I don't think so. We still have the lyric "Except I'm Your Sex-A-Saurus Baby" to cover. That may take years to fully explore.

I like the crotch on you

Song Title: I like the crotch on you
Album: 12Play

Full Verse:
I like the ... with big booties in 'em
I like the crotch on you
I want what you've got baby

Girl I like those daisy dukes on you
Girl you look so fine, I wanna get with you
So tell me who's your man,
We will have a talk with him

We're seeing a common theme come out here: R.'s unfailing honesty. While other men might claim they love "your eyes" or "your smile" or "your personality," let's just sex right to the cut here.

Ladies, it's your crotch they love. Duh. How refreshing that R. comes right out and says so, with such candor.

Then, ever the straightforward type, he suggests he and this lady whose crotch he admires go and have a talk with her man. I imagine he will say, "Good sir. I was looking at your lady here in her daisy dukes and I have decided that she is possessed of an unbelievable crotch. So if you don't mind, I'd like to [insert your favorite sexaphor here] said crotch."

And the man in question will, of course, be glad to have been spoken to so candidly, and will reply in a pleasant manner: "Why, of course R. Be my guest. It is a fine crotch, is it not?"

And the lady would bat her eyes coyly, but why bother? Nobody cares about her eyes. What she should be batting coyly—if anything—is her crotch.

We need to stop chokin' on the truth, and start smokin' on a plan man

Song Title: As I Look Into My Life
Album:

This is one of R.'s more meaningful songs. In it, he's asking his brothers and sisters from the ghetto to rise up, stop choking on the truth, start smoking on a plan, respect women and keep people's babies from dying in the street.

R. would like to make a small caveat, which is that by "respecting that woman" he means not letting the frying pan handles or dirty lawnmower parts jab her in the back while you're doin' her in the kitchen/shed.

Also, R. hopes people of the ghetto will do what he's done, and become a musical genius. Writing, performing and sexin' to killer genius lyrics is one good way to escape all those dead babies.

And even though this is such a profoundly deep and meaningful song, I still totally get it.

Hell. I'm smokin' on a plan right now.

"Girl push menu and check out the features just let me put this adaptor in you it will keep you charged up"

Song Title: Remote Control
Album: TP3:Reloaded, 2005

I just stumbled across this little gem of a song and was completely blown away. Talk about sex-a-phors!! He relates every button on the remote control to a different aspect of doing it. Stay tunned for more lines from this song over the coming weeks. I won't spoil anything, but I will say that he mentions that the power button is "down", that his lady is welcome to "program him", and then eventually he requests his lady uses the "Mute" because she's making so much noise.

Again, it's fun to picture R. sitting on his couch, trying to think of an idea for a song, looking around the room for inspiration. The TV Set? No, that's not sexy enough.... Coffee table? Could we do it on a coffee table? Lamp? Eh. Then his eyes settled on the remote and he thought, now that is sexy.

"Sex At 1st Sight"

Song Title: "Good Sex"

Album: Double Up, 2007

Full Verse:

Ooh My Goodness
Sex At 1st Sight Girl
When I Look At U
Walkin And Talkin
While U Strutin That Thang
Across The Room
Shit U Almost Made Me Spill My Drink

Awww, now this is a sweet one.  It sort of reminds me of 'Some Enchanted Evening', from the musical South Pacific.

Let's compare:
Some enchanted evening
When you find your true love,
When you feel her call you
Across a crowded room,
Then fly to her side,
And make her your own
For all through your life you
May dream all alone.

See? He's just updating a classic.  Playing with that old idea that in the blink of an eye your whole life can change. Cupid's arrow can strike at any moment, that sort of thing.  Except in his version, being the honest gent he is, R.'s not going to make any promises about "all through your life" or make any great claims of "love". He's just telling it like it is- at first sight he wants to do you.

"Wait a damn minute- Bend it over now lemme put Kells in it"

Song Title: "Bobble"
Album: 12 Play: 4th Quarter, 2008

Full Verse:
The way you turn around and make a drop off in here
Make a playa' want to get his rocks off in here (Hold up)
Wait a damn minute Bend it over now lemme put Kells in it

Holy shit! This is R.'s most recent song and, dare I say it, his dirtiest song? Is R. Kelly getting dirtier, now that his trial is over and he's no longer under suspicion of peeing on pre-teens? (At least, not legally under suspicion).

This little speech of R. Kelly's takes place at a club. He's just saying this to some random chick on the dance floor, mind you. Which makes the whole serenade seem much cheaper, dirtier, less respectable, than if he were, say, in the kitchen or by his dirty lawnmower. Was Charmillionaire around when R. was writing this song?

"Play with me like Lego"

Song Title: "Skin"
Album: 12 Play: Forth Quarter, 2008

Ahhhh, here we are back in the familiar world of R. Kelly's sex-a-phors. It's been too long.

This song is mainly about the smoothness of R.'s woman's skin, but luckily for us he takes one line out to give us this visual. He may be just feeling her skin for a long time, but she gets to play with him like Lego.

The only problem with this sexaphor is that I remember most of my Lego playing to be:
a. not that sexy
b. mostly just snapping together blocks and then breaking them apart.
Sounds sorta painful, R. .

NEWS FLASH!!! R.'S TOUR PROMOTER FAILS TO RECOGNIZE R.'S GENIUS!

R. KELLY SEEKS $3.4 MILLION FROM TOUR PROMOTER

R. doesn't spend all his time singing and sexing. Occasionally he takes a break to get that goddamn money you owe him. R.'s tour promoter owes him $3.4 million for shows he never got paid. And now R. is having to get a judge involved just to get it.

His promoter Leonard Rowe sounds whack as hell:

"Singer Ne-Yo recently won a $700,000 judgment against Rowe after he sued because he was dropped from Kelly's tour after only two shows."

(Who doesn't like Ne-Yo? Has anyone seen his MTV Cribs episode? I thought he was charming.)

What R. will do with the money once he gets it is anyone's guess, (dude is loaded and probably has ladies buying him stuff all the time), but I'm leaning towards blowing it at the club and catering bills.

"Even over by the dirty lawnmower (we sex)"

Song Title: "Break Up (That's All We Do")
Album: Unfinished Business, 2004

Full Verse:
From the bathroom to the kitchen (we sex)
From the kitchen to living room (we sex)
From the living room to upstairs (we sex)
Upstairs to the attic (we sex)
Attic to the basement (we sex)
From the basement to the car garage (we sex)
Garage to the back of the Jeep (we sex)
Bicycle to the treadmill (we sex)
Even over by the dirty lawnmower (we sex)
The neighbors and the dogs are lookin crazy (we sex)
I don't care because you're my baby (we sex)
It's our house, and we can have sex (we sex)
anytime we want to (we sex)
They can kiss my ass, because whoa-ho-hoo

This is a song about how whenever R. and his lady friend fight, they end up having sex, and then don't break up. "Sex makes you say I'm sorry /And things like I'm not goin nowhere/It's somethin bout the P-U-S-S-Y/ That keeps brother in check"). That's the premise of the song, at least, but really it turns, quite quickly, into just a long list of places R. has sex and about how much R. likes to have sex. (A lot).

Now, as to this (long) verse, I'd once again like to point out R.'s complete disclosure. He's not only going to tell us about all the glamorous places he does it (attics are pretty sexy, so are stairs, so is a living room, so is the back of a jeep)- but he's also fully prepared to reveal the not-so-glamorous places. Like next to the dirty lawnmower.

Okay, R., it is your house so you can do it anywhere you like. But please- be careful!! That lawnmower has blades!

"(Push) Baby Push, Breathe (Push) Ur Almost There (Push)"

Song Title: "Havin' A Baby"
Album: Double Up, 2007

Full Verse:
I'm Havin A Baby
(Push) (Push) I'm Right Here (Push) Hold My Hand (Push)
I'm Havin A Baby
(Push) Baby Push, Breathe (Push) Ur Almost There (Push)
I'm Havin A Baby
(Push) I Love Ya (Push) (Push) (Push)
I'm Havin A Baby


This song takes us all the way from the moment his girl reveals he's knocked her up ("I'm Havin A Baby, Oh, I'm So Happy" ) --right up through the second the baby comes out. ("I can see it! (Push)...A Child Unto Me (Push) It's a Baby Boy"). Kinda graphic if you ask me. But it's nice to see that after so much love making R.'s prepared to embrace so fully the consequences. The childbirth section of this song is very intense and kinda makes you wonder how many times R.'s been in the delivery room... Just how many R. Juniors are there out in the world?

But not quite the kinda balls that you thinkin’, uh, but the kind that be swingin’ and swingin’ and swingin’.

Song: Homie Lover Friend
Album: 12 Play
1993

I don’t get it, R. What kind of balls are you talking about?

Hold on. Let’s see the whole verse. Maybe that will give us some context clues.

Her ex would love to go strollin’, but she pages me to go bowlin’.
But not quite the kinda balls that you thinkin’, uh, but the kind that be swingin’ and swingin’ and swingin’.

Hmmm. So, NOT bowling balls. But that still leaves a lot of kinds of balls it could be. R., just tell me what kind of balls you mean! Sometimes your symbolism is too much.

Wait, so, if I don't get what kind of balls he's talking about, it must mean I’m not a "homie lover friend," which is a term used by R. to describe R.'s perfect sort of girl—the kind this song goes to such elusive lengths to describe. The kind of girl who would say to R. "“damn R., those rims on your Benz are straight" or not mind hanging out while he and his [male] homies are sitting around "droolin' over porno."

Oh my god. Am I not good enough for R. Kelly?

"Now get tha fuck out Thats whats up"

Song Title: "Get Dirty", featuring Chamillionaire
Album: Double Up, 2007

Full Verse:
Take it to my crib Thats whats up
Tha after party Thats whats up
Striaght to tha mornin Thats whats up
Now get tha fuck out Thats whats up

R.! Come on! Now that's no way to act!

This verse comes at the end of a long ballad about being at a club with Charmillionaire- these two rascals buy round after round of Patron, get high, and mostly just try and show off how rich they are so they can get alot of women. They're confident in this approach. And I'm sure it works quite well for them. But this is a very different side to R. Kelly than he usually lets us see. Not the smooth, gentlemanly, sensitive R. we've come to know and love. I think this may be a case of a bad influence. I don't know that much about you, Charmillionaire, but I have the feeling when you're around R. tries to act a little tougher than he is. Like he's not a very tender lover who would no more kick out his lady friend after making love to her *almost* all night long than he would make love without socks on. And R., as for you, shame on you for letting Charmillionaire change you. We know the real you!

Yo', yo', yo', yo', yo', yo', yo', yo', yo', Doin you pretty much all night long, babe

Song Name: Etcetera
Album: R
1998

One thing that’s really admirable about R. Kelly is his total honesty. A lot of guys would just go ahead and say, “All night long.” Lionel Richie, for example. ACDC. Boyz II Men. But is that really even possible? No. It’s not. Even the most intrepid among us has to get up to pee, stretch their groin (see diagram) and sometimes eat pancakes.

R. Kelly knows that. So he doesn’t try to lure this girl in with promises he’s not equipped to keep. That’s why he tells her he’s gonna be doin’ her pretty much all night long.

Not only is R. determined to be absolutely forthcoming, but he’s also dedicated to making this communication work. That’s why he uses no fewer than nine “yo’s,” to make sure he’s got this girl’s attention.

What you don’t see is after the song, when he double clarifies:

Her: “You gonna be doin’ me all night, baby?”

R.: “Pretty much, yeah.”