Dim the lights and hop right into bed with me

Song: The Opera
Album: R

When I saw the title to this song, ("The Opera") I thought: "Hey! I've been to the opera!"

But it turns out the opera I've been to was nothing like the one that R. Kelly went to. Here's the first verse of the song:

Enter into my room Dim the lights and hop right into bed with me I will satisfy your needs going half on a baby Are you down with me

Yeah, the Opera I went to was totally different. Or was it? It was sung in German with French subtitles, so what the hell do I know? Maybe the main guy was singing, "Enter into my room" that one time that he swept his hand across his body and belted into the theater. Then, when his costar broke in with her impossible soprano, she was singing, "I will satisfy your needs going half on a baby."

I mean, it's the fucking opera. Who knows what's going on anyway?

"Push the mute now"

Song Title: Remote Control
Album: TP3:Reloaded, 2005

Full Verse:
Push audio mode now..
Push gettin to loud now..
Push slow mode now..
Push the mute now...

Ah, Remote Control. One of my favorite R. Kelly songs. It deserves not just one post, but this post too and many many more to come.

In this song, R. somehow makes this inanimate object really sexy. He out does himself in clever sexaphors. For example: "Baby push the down arrow now we'll go down low". But there is one thing about this song that I didn't notice at first, what with all the sexy button pushing. Now, on second glance, I'm seeing some relationship issues peaking through the sexiness and can't help but want to discuss that. Because, of course, I'm always wanting to know more about the real R., and how he does in relationships. (hint: not that well).

So throughout the song he's basically ordering his lady around, giving her very specific instructions on how to use the remote. First he wants her to go to the audio mode, then he thinks its too loud, then he wants it slower (not sure what that means, is that like quieter?) then he decides he doesn't want any noise at all and wants her to put it on mute.

Kinda makes you wonder if even R. Kelly isn't above the typical remote control fight most couples experience. Which is nice to know, that my own little spats about channel surfing verses just settling on Iron Chef that end in me leaving the house and walking around the neighborhood for two hours in a blind rage are just par for the course. I mean, if R. Kelly is going to be overly controlling of the remote control, then how can I expect someone I'm dating to do any better?

Got 'em hittin' notes that Mariah couldn't carry

Song: Only the Loot Can Make Me Happy
Album: R

With all due respect, I think R.'s math is a little off here. What he's implying, in case you need me to spell it out for you, is that the way he sexes these girls makes them "sing," in a sense. And even though, presumably, they start with pipes far inferior to Mariah's (because let's face it: That lady's got some fucking PIPES) they "perform" in a sense when he "performs," in a sense.

Whatever. You get it.

But what I don't understand is this: If Mariah starts OUT with amazing pipes, and then someone like R. did those special things to her then wouldn't that render her not only able to hit them notes those other girls did, but also then some? Simple extrapolation tells us that if she and R. ever got together, they'd better to do so in a really, really structurally sound edifice. Somewhere like the Pentagon. A place built to withstand the supersonic ultrawaves that might destroy lesser buildings - but in a really sexy way that left the rubble thinking hey, maybe that was worth it. You only live once.

It's probably safer if those two don't do it at all.

"Pull up while people stoppin stare, Like we're on TV"

Song Title: Red Carpet (Pause, Flash)
Album: Happy People/ U Saved Me, 2004

Full Verse:
Jump out styling ladies smilin
Popa roxies everywhere Hummer stretches limo lexis
Pull up while people stoppin stare
Like we're on t.v.

R. spends this song reveling in the joys of walking down a red carpet. He's loving the attention of all the photographers, loving the line of limos, the beautiful women, the throngs of onlookers. He's overjoyed at the specticle he's created, and remarks enthusastically, that it's "like we're on t.v."

Isn't this so sweet of R.? To act like it is SO far out there of an idea that he would be on tv?

By the time he wrote this song it had been six years since Space Jam came out and 'I Believe I Can Fly' became a mega hit worldwide, making R. an international sensation with riches beyond his wildest dreams. And yet he's acting as if walking down the red carpet is merely LIKE being on tv. Not to be confused with actually being on tv, which he does all the time.

SPECIAL ALERT: Meta-entry

Normally when I set out to compose a blog I google R. Kelly lyrics and go from there. Tonight, the muse paid me a visit and whispered softly in my ear: "Why don't you try just googling R. Kelly?"

Who knows where ideas come from?

Suffice to say, the very first thing that came up was this: http://blogs.suntimes.com/rkelly/2008/06/r_kelly_covers_face_as_attorne.html

To sum up, the blog is actually a blog about the R. Kelly trial. (How did I not know about this? Oh, yes. Because it hadn't yet occurred to me to google just plain R. Kelly. How stupid of me.) Anyway, so in this blog, the entry in question describes a [real life] scene wherein R. Kelly's lawyer - a sort of classic, white-haired, bespectacled aging white man in an expensive suit - reads aloud some lyrics from the R. album.

The prosecutor giggles. R. Kelly covers his face. And the judge allows the jury to have the CD in the end, but only with the lyrics themselves blacked out.

Because even the JUDGE knows that there's something completely different about these lyrics when they're not set to music, and when R. Kelly isn't performing them. In the other blog, the lyrics aren't written out at all. But you, dear readers, are familiar with some lyrics from the R. album: there's some political commentary regarding the first lady, a moral struggle concerning the IHOP, and of course, an elusive code-song concerning player hater base. The good news is, now we know why those player haters were trying to get the CD R. Kelly was carrying in the rain that day. They wanted to use it as evidence in the trial.

Anyways, I've made my point. Now I'm going to let you all try to imagine his lawyer (pictured here) reciting lyrics from the R. album out loud in a court of law.

I promise you I will do all these words to the song

Song: Showdown
Album: Chocolate Factory

There's a lot of things R. Kelly can't promise. He can't, in clear conscience, promise to do you all night long. He can't promise it was a dolphin he just saw. He certainly can't—and won't—promise not to do his hairbraider.

Example conversation:
R. to his lady: "Yo, I'm gonna go get my hair braided. I'll be back in time for the Hudspeth's dinner party."
Lady: "Okay, but R., can you do me a favor and please not do your hairbraider tonight? We're gonna be running late as it is."
R. [taking her hand and gazing at her, sadly]: "You know I can't promise that."

There's so many things R. Kelly can't promise that you might start to think he's afraid of commitment. But that's not true, as this song clearly demostrates. When a promise is an honest, appropriate thing to make, R. Kelly mans up makes it. Like right here, where he promises he's gonna do all the words to the song. He's not gonna skip a single word. When R. Kelly sets out to sing a song, well then so help him God he's gonna sing every last word in that whole damn song.

Even the fadeout.

Girl, I got you so wet; It's like a rain forest; Like Jurassic Park, Except I'm your Sexaurus, baby.

Song: Zoo Song
Album: Double Up
This is without a doubt my favorite R. Kelly lyric, lyric of all time. If you google "R. Kelly Sexasaurus," the first result is this:

I don't have much else to say about this amazing line. It's from Zoo Song, which is about sex, but also animals, and the chorus involves R. making monkey noises, which he actually pulls off with a surprising amount of slick charm and dignity. When you hear it, you think, yeah, ladies would probably go to bed with R. after hearing these monkey noises. I know for a fact, a terrible awful fact, that I can not pull off these same monkey noises.

Some of those and I won't call 'em whores ' Cause in the 90s you gotta respect the ladies

Song: Summer Bunnies
Album: Summer Jammin' '97

Little known fact: R. Kelly started a master's in Feminist Studies in 1994, but dropped out due to the heavy demands of his job. It was just TOO hard, what with all the sexing, singing, bragging and partying with Usher/Jay-Z to finish his thesis: "The politics of promiscuity, gender and postmoderism in America, including L.A, NYC, Vegas, Chicago, Miami, Houston and Detroit."

Needless to say, his adviser was terribly disappointed. Not only had she lost a prime pupil, but of course he was doing her and his quick retreat stung a little. Nevermind that she was at the top of her field at the time, earning tenure, publishing her second book, giving lectures everywhere R. gives concerts. Her career, like the career of so many women, was really just an overly elaborate way of meeting and impressing dudes.

But though he abandoned his PhD to sing, have sex, and sing about having sex, R. Kelly took some of the lessons he'd learned during his weeks of graduate study with him. Some scholars may argue years hence that his entire discography is informed by and infused with a certain brand of feminism. They may choose this song as a good place to start: After all, R. Kelly, "won't call 'em whores." He probably calls them "purveyors of fine goods," or perhaps "independent businesswomen." Hell, he'd probably just as soon call them "CEOs" of their own "company" because this is the mid-ninteties, and woman can do anything.

gurl imma bout to loose my job over you

Song: Put my T-Shirt On
Album: TP-3 Reloaded

In this song it's clearly morning, and R., as usual, is horny. After all, he probably only did it pretty much all night long with this girl, and now he's gotta make up for lost time during the day.The only problem is, work. R. Kelly is so turned on by this lady that he's "tempted to call in sick an stay home." But then, will he lose his job?

I don't know, call me bitter from MY long day at work, but in this particular scene I lose a little patience with R. Of course you're not gonna lose your job, stupid. Your job is being sexy, sexing women and then singing about it, which is exactly what you're doing right now. In fact, far from calling in sick, you're bringing your work home with you, every single day, and working from home pretty much all night long.

You do your work in restaurants, even after they're closed. You do it by the lawnmower. You even bring your work with you to alcoholics' conventions. In many ways, you're the ultimate workaholic. So relax, R. Stop worrying that you're going to lose your job and just go DO your job. Which for you means go do this woman.

"Club like we at a alcoholic's convention"

Song Title: Pretty Girls
Album: Unfinished Business, 2004

Full Verse:
My pretty girls get plenty attention
When it come to sex get plenty of inches
We shop, like we all broke detention
Club like we at a alcoholic's convention

Hey, do you think that this may be the best turn of phrase ever? Can we all start saying this when we're anticipating a really fun night? Like, this 'potluck is going to get crazy! It's going to be like an alcoholic's convention!' Or 'we stayed at the bar till it closed. It was a really fun night. Kinda like an alcoholic's convention!'.

I really like R.'s image of what an alcoholic's convention is like. He is obviously not thinking of an Alcoholic's Anonymous meeting, which, if 90210 has taught me anything, is usually depressing and not at all like a club.* But no, this is a convention of alcoholics, which, yes, would probably be a really good time.


*though they may be good for other reasons.

"Hit the mall bout two o'clock"

Song Title: Mo' Money
Album: Unfinished Business, 2004

Full Verse:
We take lunch, now twelve o'clock
Hit the mall bout two o'clock
In the movies bout five o'clock
Seven o'clock 'til nine o'clock
we in my crib, my bed, goin non-stop

This little verse is only striking if you take it in context of the whole song. Which, as you may be able to guess from the title and/or the fact that R. Kelly wrote it, is all about how much money R. has. But in this particular song about how rich R. is, he's not so much bragging about it as he is giving us a little day-in-the-life synopsis.

And what interested me was how quite normal this day sounds. Lunch at noon? That's damn respectable, where I come from. If I was rich I'd probably sleep in every day and have breakfast at noon. Hit the mall? How nice that R. hasn't lost touch with the average man. Go see a movie? That's what I do too! And then do it for two hours? Non stop? Well, this IS R. Kelly we're talking about. The guy could only go for so long without going home to do it.

Surprise, Girl I bet you thought I had went and forgot

Song: It's Your Birthday
Album: Happy People/U Saved Me

This is a real Cheers moment, when R. Kelly shows up at this lady's house to take her out, and he's all, "Hey baby, let's go to the IHOP or to the club or something" and she just stands there with her arms crossed in front of her, waiting, and she's got this angry look on her face.

R. Kelly racks his brain. What's she mad about? It's not like he wants her to pay for the pancakes. Hell, one of the main four things he is is rich. Wait. Did she want to go to Waffle House instead? Cause if that's the case she can just do by her own self and —

Shit. It's her birthday. That's what she meant when she asked him earlier what he was gonna get her for her birthday. Sonofabitch. Think fast, R. Think fast.

"Surprise, Girl I bet you thought I had went and forgot," he sings, laughing uneasily. "In fact, I wrote you a song all about your birthday and it goes like this..." And then he sings the rest of the song, which includes lyrics like, " (It's your birthday) so let's party and have some fun." And " do do do do do do do do do do do..."

Again, think Cheers, circa the eighties, when Woody realizes all of a sudden that it's his girlfriend's birthday and he as to act as though he'd been writing her a song all along: "kelly, kelly, kelly, kelly, kelly...I love you....kelly kelly kelly kelly kelly."

So the girl is pacified now, but R. Kelly's still a little anxious. Because there's something else that's naggin' him, and he needs to figure it out STAT before this improvised birthday song is over. Think, R. Think.

What the fuck is her name?

Best to just try out a bunch, he figures, and ends the song—no kidding—like this:

Go Drea, it's your birthday!
Go Joanne, it's your birthday!
Go Jaya, it's your birthday!
Go Channél, it's your birthday!
Go Angie, it's your birthday!
Go Julie, it's your birthday!
Go Ebony, it's your birthday!
Go Teshonda it's your birthday!
Go Kim, it's your birthday!
Go Lisa, it's your birthday!
Go Devine, it's your birthday!
Go Simone, it's your birthday!
Go Vernice, it's your birthday!
Go Gina, it's your birthday!
Go Kat, it's your birthday!
Go Carmen, it's your birthday!

Luckily, he's R. Kelly, so he'll probably still get laid, even if her name isn't Julie, Ebony, Teshonda, Kim, Lisa, Devine, Simone, Vernice, Gina, Kat, Carmen, Angie, Channel, Jaya, Drea OR Joanne.

I wish that I could touch you now.

I've been thinking on this one for a long time, so I thought I'd enter the fray...

"I wish", from the album TP-2.com -- released in 2000, at the peak of the Internet-themed album-title bubble -- has always been my favorite Kelly jam. It is truly a heart-breaking lament, dealing simultaneously with the loss of a friend and the tribulations of fame -- far from your textbook "pour a sip on the street" jam.

But the question is: who, exactly, has died? Kelly first gives us this:

How I used to hoop off in them tournaments (With you)
And how I used to club hop on weekends (With you)

So it's his boy, right? I mean, unless it was one of those tournaments where they require one girl on each team, the deceased is definitely a dude.

However, in the chorus we get quite a contrast:

I wish that I could hold you now
I wish that I could touch you now
I wish that I could talk to you, be with you somehow...

Now I'm all for holding and touching my male friends, but I don't really think Mr. Kelly would share that sentiment. So, there are a few possibilities here:

1) He's talking about a baby (I hope this is true).
2) He's talking about a family member (after the whole Lil' Wayne "Yeah I kiss my daddy" thing, I don't think so).
3) He has platonic friends (highly unlikely).
4) He's coming out of the closet (not the one he was trapped in -- the one where homosexuals reside until they make their preference known to others).

I don't know. If it's (4), this is some progressive shit. If it's (1), that baby probably died of club-hopping.

Wait a minute hold on dog. Do she got a kid? She love some waffle house?

Song: Same Girl
Album: Double Up, 2007

Longtime readers are already familiar with the song Same Girl. So you already know it's Usher and R. Kelly, and they're discovering they're in love with the same girl, who also happens to be under the employ of TBS.

Old news.

But now that we know more about R. Kelly - particularly, his love of IHOP - this song suddenly give us pause. What's R. Kelly doing falling for a girl who loves waffle house? This is either proof that opposites attract or else proof that this was the wrong girl for R. Kelly anyway, and he shouldn't be too sad that neither he nor Usher get to bone her anymore, or hang out with her kid.

"I Believe I Can Fly"

Song Title: I believe I can Fly
Album: R-Cd2, 1998

Full Verse:

I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me, oh



This is R.'s most famous song, featured in the Looney Tunes film 'Space Jam' as well as in countless high school graduation ceremonies and sporting events. It's an anthem of hope and good will, of believing in the impossible. There's not a mention of sex or money or hotel lobbies. It's bigger than that.

Last night as I stood in awe outside the Driskill hotel in Austin, watching the crowd as they cheered and hugged shouted 'yes we can', I was truly moved by the human spirit and had hope for the first time about our collective future. Then, like a gift from above, a faction of the celebrating masses started singing in unison, 'I Believe I can Fly'.

It was a beautiful moment. R. would have been proud.

Oh yeah, dare you act shady with the first lady?

Song: Dollar Bill
Album: R Album

You all know what day it is. It's election day! So if you haven't already, get the fuck out there and vote. Cause you know what R. Kelly would say on his answering machine today: If I'm not faded...or makin' a baby... OR VOTING, then I'll call you back.

In this song, R. Kelly stops with the sexin and makin money and bragging/not meaning to brag for just a minute and gets seriously political when he asks his listeners, "Oh yeah? Dare you act shady with the first lady?"

Well? Dare you? It's a good question if you ask me. But in order to ask it of ourselves, we must first consider: Who will the first lady be? Leave it to R. to ask the really important question: Not who will our president be. But who will our first lady be? She is, after all, the nation's first and primary sex symbol. Perhaps even more so than the vice president.

Only you can help pick America's next first lady. And then we'll all ask ourselves whether we'd dar act shady with her. But first things first. Go vote!

This is Player Hater One reporting from PHD base. Over.

Song: The Chase
Album: R Album

In this short but cryptic song, we're privy to a covert conversation between Player Hater One and his Captain Player Hater. What we gather is that the Player Haters have send Player Hatin' spies from PDH base to follow R. Kelly, to whom they refer — in code — as "the talent."

Their objective, from what I can gather, is to stop R. Kelly from being such a sexy mothafucka. Good luck fellows!

Many obstacles, not the least of which is R. Kelly himself, stand in the Player Haters' way. For example, "due to the heavy rains up here it's hard to tell what the talent is carrying. Over."

Captain Player Hater suggests he "try real hard" to ascertain what the talent is carrying. So Player Hater One presumably pulls out his night-vision wear to look more closely; and what he discerns, through all that rain, is that the talent is carrying his latest, sexiest album. An album so playeriffic that all the forces at PHD headquarters couldn't possibly hope to contain it's playerlicious impact.

We all know how this ends. R. Kelly is going to best the Player Haters once again. Perhaps he will even personally take down the Captain Player Hater by sexing CPH's lady in CPH's very own kitchen/shed. But what we don't know is this: Why is R. Kelly walking through the pouring rain with his new album? Doesn't he have distributors to take care of that for him? And where are they anyway? His top-secret recording studio in Area 51?

I guess some things are so top-secret that even we—as principle R. Kelly bloggers—can't even know. Lest they be revealed, somehow, to the Player Hating Squadron.

I dont mean to brag but um

Song: Red Carpet (Pause, Flash)
Album: Happy People/U Saved Me

Whoa, whoa, whoa. In another song, just a few posts down from this one, R. distinctly says, "Yeah, I'm braggin' and I don't give a fuck." And yet here he claims that he doesn't mean to brag, but um. So which is it, R.?

Seconds after asking that question, I realize: Who among us doesn't change their mind? We all sometimes intend to brag, and other times don't mean to brag, but um. And we're totally allowed to say one thing one time and another thing another time. This isn't a court of fucking law or anything.

And even if it was, R. Kelly is totally within his rights to say/do one thing one time and say/do another thing another time. It seems weird that judges are denying him that right. Who do they think they are?

One possible explanation for R. changing his point of view on bragging is simply time. In 2004, when R. released this album, he really didn't mean to brag, but um. Later, in 2008, having probably received so much judgment from judges and other people for offenses like "Bragging" and "peeing on 12 year olds", he was frustrated and more inclined to just end the conversation already. So he's like, "yeah. I'm bragging. And I don't give a fuck. [so go "convict" someone else, you big jerk.]"

I really appreciate that R. is a man who isn't afraid to grow.