Cuz when a woman's fed up...It ain't nothing you can do about it

Song Title: When a Woman's Fed Up
Album: R in R&B, 2003

Full Verse:
Cuz when a woman's fed up
(No matter how you beg, no)
It ain't nothing you can do about it
(Nothing you can do about it)
It's like running out of love
(No matter what you say, no)
And then it's too late to talk about it
(Too late to talk about it)

Maybe I'm just getting sappy because it's the holidays, but this R. Kelly song got me a little choked up. Here he is, lamenting the loss of a woman he really loved because of his bad behavior ("I hurt you too too many times"), and making one last attempt to get her back ("Hey woman, if you're listening, I said I miss you baby").

Now, as a Billy Joel fan first and foremost, I was extra excited to realize that this is just an updated version of his song, "Tell Her About It", where Billy sings about the mistakes he's made with women in the past in hopes of preventing a nice young man from loosing his own girl.
See here:

Listen boy
Don't want to see you let a good thing
Slip away
You know I don't like watching
Anybody make the same mistakes I made

Similarly, R. says "If you don't want to find out the hard way, Then listen to this song while the record plays". And man, it seems R. really did find out the hard way. He sounds so sad in this song! It ends tragically, with lines like: "And if you ever get her back, It will never be the same", and "Some of the best cookin' you ever had/ Yes, it was and I miss her."

Awwww.... R.!

Best of both worlds, holla at your boy

R. Kelly has done it again. He's taken a paradigm of mine and turned it completely on its head.

See entire verse:
Make up, and break up, that's all we do
Then we have sex, next thing you know
Everything is cool
Best of both worlds, holla at your boy

See, this whole time I thought that those yo-yo, dramatic, make-up/break-up, back and forth relationships sucked. In fact, I went out of my way to avoid them. One could even say I saw them as the WORST of both worlds; you've got the time commitment of a make up AND the rejection of a break up.

But it turns out (Thank you, R.) I was just looking at this all wrong. The inverse is true. You've got the sex-having that comes with making up and the telling each other off that comes with breaking up. And telling each other off is so much fun! When else are you going to have the chance to stand up, pull your pants on, and say, all sassy-like, "Yeah, bitch? Well what you eat don't make me shit."

And then storm out the room.

"What they eat don't make us shit"

Song Title: Real Talk
Album: Double Up, 2007

Full Verse:
You See What Your Problem Is,
You're Always Running Of At The Mouth Telling Your Girls Your
Motherfucking Business, When
They Dont Eat With Us, They Dont Sleep With Us, Besides
What They Eat Don't Make Us Shit
Real Talk

I'm sorry to be beating a dead horse here, but this one line of this song has been stuck in my head ever since watching the video of Real Talk and I'm just overwhelmed by the genius of it.

In an effort to really drive home his point that his girlfriend's girlfriends have no place in their relationship, he screams "what they eat don't make us shit!" Meaning, of course, that R. and his woman have their own relationship independent of her friends.

But what a visual way to say this! I think it's one of his best lines and also a good mantra for us all to use when life's got us down. Your boss on your case? Just remind yourself, what she eats don't make you shit. Your parents on your back about not having a job anymore? What they eat don't make you shit. Your girlfriend on your case about being at a club with lots of other women and then sleeping with them all? Well, what she eat doesn't make you shit either. It's just what you eat that makes you shit. (See Diagram).

Unbound

Click here for an excellent article about R. Kelly from a July 2007 issue of The New Yorker, written by Sasha Frere-Jones. It explores the strangeness of R. Kelly's professional decisions since he was arrested for child pornography and/or having sex with a 14 year old in 2002.

While repeatedly swearing his innocence, R. has stepped up his rate of album releases and, as we know all too well, made no attempt to curb sexual content in his songs. If anything his songs have gotten more raunchy since his legal trouble began, the sexaphors flying at a rate so high it takes a whole blog to keep up with them.

As Frere-Jones points out, "Many people facing serious criminal charges related to sexual conduct would not include a song called “Sex Planet” on their CD, or, if they did, would probably omit the line about a 'trip to planet Uranus.'"

She wonders what we've all been wondering- is R. laughing with us or is he just crazy? "In a move that is either sheer gall or evidence that Kelly may not be aware of the gravity of his legal situation, he begins one verse with the words 'I swear to tell the truth and the whole truth.'"

But the main reason I like this article is that she's not merely pointing out R.'s misguided lyric writing in the face of a criminal trial, she's also very aware of the genius of R. Kelly. "Kelly’s persona is off-putting, but it is hard not to be taken by his talent." She says his delivery is "rhythmically articulate and harmonically rich. Random words are isolated, harmonized, and sent in unexpected directions..." Which is all true, and I'm glad that in a publication as revered as The New Yorker, R.'s musical effectiveness is at least mentioned.

She calls his songs, "artlessly horny but effective sex songs", which I think we can all agree is the highest praise R. Kelly could ever ask for.

"Look in my eyes and you will see, the diary of me"

Song Title: The Diary of Me
Album: Happy People / U Saved Me, 2004

Full Verse:

Just open the book (na-na-na-na-na-na)
Turn the pages of my life (na-na-na)
And you will read
A true story about one man's journey
...
Where I'm from
Who could believe
All the pain, misery
Look in my eyes and you will see
The diary of me

This song pretty much sums up what I love about R. Kelly. Say what you will about "peeing on children" and "cheating on his girlfriend with the hair braider", if nothing else we can agree R. is an open book. He's not afraid to tell us his faults or his gifts, his regrets, his accomplishments.

I mean, gee whiz, he's giving us the key to his diary!

"Bitch I Wish You Would Burn My Motherfucking Clothes"

Song Title: Real Talk
Album: Double Up, 2007

In this impassioned rant, R. is vehemently denying all the claims his girl is making about him being at the club with other women. He's very defensive about it- (read a previous post here) and as you listen to the song you can't help but be on his side. But when you watch the video you have to wonder if maybe, just maybe, every last thing she is acusing him of is true. Mostly having sex with other women. For instance, we've heard him sing before about Doin his Hairbraider, and in this very video, while he's on the phone denying he's sleeping with other women, he's getting his hair braided by his hair braider.

"Let's get together And mix cultures"

Song Title: Slow Wind
Album: TP3 Reloaded

Full Verse:
Let's get together
And make sweet love ye
Let's get together
And mix cultures
Let's get together
And change the world ye
Wind for me Jamiacan girl


Hey look! All this time we thought R. just really liked having sex. But really he's just trying to change the world! One sweet pussy at a time.

Ummm...

"Lying on the stairs snoring now"

Song Title: Leave Your Name
Album: Double Up, 2007

People saying Kellz is a hot mess
Even after that I was taking shots
Shot after shot
Shot after shot
then I couldn't even open the door to my Benz
Dropped off and I get in the door now
Lying on the stairs snoring now
Why you calling me calling me calling me?


Above is a probably very accurate account of a big night out for R. Kelly, as well as the specific reason he's not answering the phone at this moment. It comes as part of a long song that plays as if it is his outgoing message on his answering machine. (Though the real genius is in the chorus.)

It's a refreshing new take on the outgoing message, this brutal honesty about a night ending in a pathetic passing out on your own staircase. He could lie and say he brought home two girls and is busy with them, but instead he tells us callers exactly what went down, even if its not that glamorous.

Kinda inspires me want to change my outgoing message to say something more honest, like, 'I'm sitting hunched over in front of my computer looking up R. Kelly lyrics and re-checking my email inbox (which is empty) and wondering if its too early to have lunch and/or if its okay to have a third cup of coffee..."

"its the freakin weekend, baby, im about to have me some fun"

Song Title: Ingition - Remix
Album: R in R&B Collection Volume 1

Full Verse:
This is the remix to ignition
hot and fresh out the kitchen
mama rollin that body
got evey man in her wishin
sippin on coke and rum
I'm like so what im drunk
its the freakin weekend baby
I'm about to have me some fun

Here we are again at one of R.'s finest pieces of work. Both the original 'Ignition' and this remix are jammed packed with sexaphors comparing driving with sex. That's a no brainer for R. - I'm surprised actually that he doesn't have twenty songs comparing driving to sex.

But what I like about this line in particular is that he's acting like only on the weekend does he go to clubs and get drunk and have sex in cars. What does he do during the week??? Watch CSI and make macaroni and cheese? I was under the misguided impression that the reason R. has been able to sex such a wide variety of women in such a wide variety of places was that he went out every night!

Well, you learn something new everyday!

(Also- if you google image search the word 'weekend', about 50% of the images that come up involve cats remarking about how much they're looking forward to the weekend.)

Dim the lights and hop right into bed with me

Song: The Opera
Album: R

When I saw the title to this song, ("The Opera") I thought: "Hey! I've been to the opera!"

But it turns out the opera I've been to was nothing like the one that R. Kelly went to. Here's the first verse of the song:

Enter into my room Dim the lights and hop right into bed with me I will satisfy your needs going half on a baby Are you down with me

Yeah, the Opera I went to was totally different. Or was it? It was sung in German with French subtitles, so what the hell do I know? Maybe the main guy was singing, "Enter into my room" that one time that he swept his hand across his body and belted into the theater. Then, when his costar broke in with her impossible soprano, she was singing, "I will satisfy your needs going half on a baby."

I mean, it's the fucking opera. Who knows what's going on anyway?

"Push the mute now"

Song Title: Remote Control
Album: TP3:Reloaded, 2005

Full Verse:
Push audio mode now..
Push gettin to loud now..
Push slow mode now..
Push the mute now...

Ah, Remote Control. One of my favorite R. Kelly songs. It deserves not just one post, but this post too and many many more to come.

In this song, R. somehow makes this inanimate object really sexy. He out does himself in clever sexaphors. For example: "Baby push the down arrow now we'll go down low". But there is one thing about this song that I didn't notice at first, what with all the sexy button pushing. Now, on second glance, I'm seeing some relationship issues peaking through the sexiness and can't help but want to discuss that. Because, of course, I'm always wanting to know more about the real R., and how he does in relationships. (hint: not that well).

So throughout the song he's basically ordering his lady around, giving her very specific instructions on how to use the remote. First he wants her to go to the audio mode, then he thinks its too loud, then he wants it slower (not sure what that means, is that like quieter?) then he decides he doesn't want any noise at all and wants her to put it on mute.

Kinda makes you wonder if even R. Kelly isn't above the typical remote control fight most couples experience. Which is nice to know, that my own little spats about channel surfing verses just settling on Iron Chef that end in me leaving the house and walking around the neighborhood for two hours in a blind rage are just par for the course. I mean, if R. Kelly is going to be overly controlling of the remote control, then how can I expect someone I'm dating to do any better?

Got 'em hittin' notes that Mariah couldn't carry

Song: Only the Loot Can Make Me Happy
Album: R

With all due respect, I think R.'s math is a little off here. What he's implying, in case you need me to spell it out for you, is that the way he sexes these girls makes them "sing," in a sense. And even though, presumably, they start with pipes far inferior to Mariah's (because let's face it: That lady's got some fucking PIPES) they "perform" in a sense when he "performs," in a sense.

Whatever. You get it.

But what I don't understand is this: If Mariah starts OUT with amazing pipes, and then someone like R. did those special things to her then wouldn't that render her not only able to hit them notes those other girls did, but also then some? Simple extrapolation tells us that if she and R. ever got together, they'd better to do so in a really, really structurally sound edifice. Somewhere like the Pentagon. A place built to withstand the supersonic ultrawaves that might destroy lesser buildings - but in a really sexy way that left the rubble thinking hey, maybe that was worth it. You only live once.

It's probably safer if those two don't do it at all.

"Pull up while people stoppin stare, Like we're on TV"

Song Title: Red Carpet (Pause, Flash)
Album: Happy People/ U Saved Me, 2004

Full Verse:
Jump out styling ladies smilin
Popa roxies everywhere Hummer stretches limo lexis
Pull up while people stoppin stare
Like we're on t.v.

R. spends this song reveling in the joys of walking down a red carpet. He's loving the attention of all the photographers, loving the line of limos, the beautiful women, the throngs of onlookers. He's overjoyed at the specticle he's created, and remarks enthusastically, that it's "like we're on t.v."

Isn't this so sweet of R.? To act like it is SO far out there of an idea that he would be on tv?

By the time he wrote this song it had been six years since Space Jam came out and 'I Believe I Can Fly' became a mega hit worldwide, making R. an international sensation with riches beyond his wildest dreams. And yet he's acting as if walking down the red carpet is merely LIKE being on tv. Not to be confused with actually being on tv, which he does all the time.

SPECIAL ALERT: Meta-entry

Normally when I set out to compose a blog I google R. Kelly lyrics and go from there. Tonight, the muse paid me a visit and whispered softly in my ear: "Why don't you try just googling R. Kelly?"

Who knows where ideas come from?

Suffice to say, the very first thing that came up was this: http://blogs.suntimes.com/rkelly/2008/06/r_kelly_covers_face_as_attorne.html

To sum up, the blog is actually a blog about the R. Kelly trial. (How did I not know about this? Oh, yes. Because it hadn't yet occurred to me to google just plain R. Kelly. How stupid of me.) Anyway, so in this blog, the entry in question describes a [real life] scene wherein R. Kelly's lawyer - a sort of classic, white-haired, bespectacled aging white man in an expensive suit - reads aloud some lyrics from the R. album.

The prosecutor giggles. R. Kelly covers his face. And the judge allows the jury to have the CD in the end, but only with the lyrics themselves blacked out.

Because even the JUDGE knows that there's something completely different about these lyrics when they're not set to music, and when R. Kelly isn't performing them. In the other blog, the lyrics aren't written out at all. But you, dear readers, are familiar with some lyrics from the R. album: there's some political commentary regarding the first lady, a moral struggle concerning the IHOP, and of course, an elusive code-song concerning player hater base. The good news is, now we know why those player haters were trying to get the CD R. Kelly was carrying in the rain that day. They wanted to use it as evidence in the trial.

Anyways, I've made my point. Now I'm going to let you all try to imagine his lawyer (pictured here) reciting lyrics from the R. album out loud in a court of law.

I promise you I will do all these words to the song

Song: Showdown
Album: Chocolate Factory

There's a lot of things R. Kelly can't promise. He can't, in clear conscience, promise to do you all night long. He can't promise it was a dolphin he just saw. He certainly can't—and won't—promise not to do his hairbraider.

Example conversation:
R. to his lady: "Yo, I'm gonna go get my hair braided. I'll be back in time for the Hudspeth's dinner party."
Lady: "Okay, but R., can you do me a favor and please not do your hairbraider tonight? We're gonna be running late as it is."
R. [taking her hand and gazing at her, sadly]: "You know I can't promise that."

There's so many things R. Kelly can't promise that you might start to think he's afraid of commitment. But that's not true, as this song clearly demostrates. When a promise is an honest, appropriate thing to make, R. Kelly mans up makes it. Like right here, where he promises he's gonna do all the words to the song. He's not gonna skip a single word. When R. Kelly sets out to sing a song, well then so help him God he's gonna sing every last word in that whole damn song.

Even the fadeout.

Girl, I got you so wet; It's like a rain forest; Like Jurassic Park, Except I'm your Sexaurus, baby.

Song: Zoo Song
Album: Double Up
This is without a doubt my favorite R. Kelly lyric, lyric of all time. If you google "R. Kelly Sexasaurus," the first result is this:

I don't have much else to say about this amazing line. It's from Zoo Song, which is about sex, but also animals, and the chorus involves R. making monkey noises, which he actually pulls off with a surprising amount of slick charm and dignity. When you hear it, you think, yeah, ladies would probably go to bed with R. after hearing these monkey noises. I know for a fact, a terrible awful fact, that I can not pull off these same monkey noises.

Some of those and I won't call 'em whores ' Cause in the 90s you gotta respect the ladies

Song: Summer Bunnies
Album: Summer Jammin' '97

Little known fact: R. Kelly started a master's in Feminist Studies in 1994, but dropped out due to the heavy demands of his job. It was just TOO hard, what with all the sexing, singing, bragging and partying with Usher/Jay-Z to finish his thesis: "The politics of promiscuity, gender and postmoderism in America, including L.A, NYC, Vegas, Chicago, Miami, Houston and Detroit."

Needless to say, his adviser was terribly disappointed. Not only had she lost a prime pupil, but of course he was doing her and his quick retreat stung a little. Nevermind that she was at the top of her field at the time, earning tenure, publishing her second book, giving lectures everywhere R. gives concerts. Her career, like the career of so many women, was really just an overly elaborate way of meeting and impressing dudes.

But though he abandoned his PhD to sing, have sex, and sing about having sex, R. Kelly took some of the lessons he'd learned during his weeks of graduate study with him. Some scholars may argue years hence that his entire discography is informed by and infused with a certain brand of feminism. They may choose this song as a good place to start: After all, R. Kelly, "won't call 'em whores." He probably calls them "purveyors of fine goods," or perhaps "independent businesswomen." Hell, he'd probably just as soon call them "CEOs" of their own "company" because this is the mid-ninteties, and woman can do anything.

gurl imma bout to loose my job over you

Song: Put my T-Shirt On
Album: TP-3 Reloaded

In this song it's clearly morning, and R., as usual, is horny. After all, he probably only did it pretty much all night long with this girl, and now he's gotta make up for lost time during the day.The only problem is, work. R. Kelly is so turned on by this lady that he's "tempted to call in sick an stay home." But then, will he lose his job?

I don't know, call me bitter from MY long day at work, but in this particular scene I lose a little patience with R. Of course you're not gonna lose your job, stupid. Your job is being sexy, sexing women and then singing about it, which is exactly what you're doing right now. In fact, far from calling in sick, you're bringing your work home with you, every single day, and working from home pretty much all night long.

You do your work in restaurants, even after they're closed. You do it by the lawnmower. You even bring your work with you to alcoholics' conventions. In many ways, you're the ultimate workaholic. So relax, R. Stop worrying that you're going to lose your job and just go DO your job. Which for you means go do this woman.

"Club like we at a alcoholic's convention"

Song Title: Pretty Girls
Album: Unfinished Business, 2004

Full Verse:
My pretty girls get plenty attention
When it come to sex get plenty of inches
We shop, like we all broke detention
Club like we at a alcoholic's convention

Hey, do you think that this may be the best turn of phrase ever? Can we all start saying this when we're anticipating a really fun night? Like, this 'potluck is going to get crazy! It's going to be like an alcoholic's convention!' Or 'we stayed at the bar till it closed. It was a really fun night. Kinda like an alcoholic's convention!'.

I really like R.'s image of what an alcoholic's convention is like. He is obviously not thinking of an Alcoholic's Anonymous meeting, which, if 90210 has taught me anything, is usually depressing and not at all like a club.* But no, this is a convention of alcoholics, which, yes, would probably be a really good time.


*though they may be good for other reasons.

"Hit the mall bout two o'clock"

Song Title: Mo' Money
Album: Unfinished Business, 2004

Full Verse:
We take lunch, now twelve o'clock
Hit the mall bout two o'clock
In the movies bout five o'clock
Seven o'clock 'til nine o'clock
we in my crib, my bed, goin non-stop

This little verse is only striking if you take it in context of the whole song. Which, as you may be able to guess from the title and/or the fact that R. Kelly wrote it, is all about how much money R. has. But in this particular song about how rich R. is, he's not so much bragging about it as he is giving us a little day-in-the-life synopsis.

And what interested me was how quite normal this day sounds. Lunch at noon? That's damn respectable, where I come from. If I was rich I'd probably sleep in every day and have breakfast at noon. Hit the mall? How nice that R. hasn't lost touch with the average man. Go see a movie? That's what I do too! And then do it for two hours? Non stop? Well, this IS R. Kelly we're talking about. The guy could only go for so long without going home to do it.

Surprise, Girl I bet you thought I had went and forgot

Song: It's Your Birthday
Album: Happy People/U Saved Me

This is a real Cheers moment, when R. Kelly shows up at this lady's house to take her out, and he's all, "Hey baby, let's go to the IHOP or to the club or something" and she just stands there with her arms crossed in front of her, waiting, and she's got this angry look on her face.

R. Kelly racks his brain. What's she mad about? It's not like he wants her to pay for the pancakes. Hell, one of the main four things he is is rich. Wait. Did she want to go to Waffle House instead? Cause if that's the case she can just do by her own self and —

Shit. It's her birthday. That's what she meant when she asked him earlier what he was gonna get her for her birthday. Sonofabitch. Think fast, R. Think fast.

"Surprise, Girl I bet you thought I had went and forgot," he sings, laughing uneasily. "In fact, I wrote you a song all about your birthday and it goes like this..." And then he sings the rest of the song, which includes lyrics like, " (It's your birthday) so let's party and have some fun." And " do do do do do do do do do do do..."

Again, think Cheers, circa the eighties, when Woody realizes all of a sudden that it's his girlfriend's birthday and he as to act as though he'd been writing her a song all along: "kelly, kelly, kelly, kelly, kelly...I love you....kelly kelly kelly kelly kelly."

So the girl is pacified now, but R. Kelly's still a little anxious. Because there's something else that's naggin' him, and he needs to figure it out STAT before this improvised birthday song is over. Think, R. Think.

What the fuck is her name?

Best to just try out a bunch, he figures, and ends the song—no kidding—like this:

Go Drea, it's your birthday!
Go Joanne, it's your birthday!
Go Jaya, it's your birthday!
Go Channél, it's your birthday!
Go Angie, it's your birthday!
Go Julie, it's your birthday!
Go Ebony, it's your birthday!
Go Teshonda it's your birthday!
Go Kim, it's your birthday!
Go Lisa, it's your birthday!
Go Devine, it's your birthday!
Go Simone, it's your birthday!
Go Vernice, it's your birthday!
Go Gina, it's your birthday!
Go Kat, it's your birthday!
Go Carmen, it's your birthday!

Luckily, he's R. Kelly, so he'll probably still get laid, even if her name isn't Julie, Ebony, Teshonda, Kim, Lisa, Devine, Simone, Vernice, Gina, Kat, Carmen, Angie, Channel, Jaya, Drea OR Joanne.

I wish that I could touch you now.

I've been thinking on this one for a long time, so I thought I'd enter the fray...

"I wish", from the album TP-2.com -- released in 2000, at the peak of the Internet-themed album-title bubble -- has always been my favorite Kelly jam. It is truly a heart-breaking lament, dealing simultaneously with the loss of a friend and the tribulations of fame -- far from your textbook "pour a sip on the street" jam.

But the question is: who, exactly, has died? Kelly first gives us this:

How I used to hoop off in them tournaments (With you)
And how I used to club hop on weekends (With you)

So it's his boy, right? I mean, unless it was one of those tournaments where they require one girl on each team, the deceased is definitely a dude.

However, in the chorus we get quite a contrast:

I wish that I could hold you now
I wish that I could touch you now
I wish that I could talk to you, be with you somehow...

Now I'm all for holding and touching my male friends, but I don't really think Mr. Kelly would share that sentiment. So, there are a few possibilities here:

1) He's talking about a baby (I hope this is true).
2) He's talking about a family member (after the whole Lil' Wayne "Yeah I kiss my daddy" thing, I don't think so).
3) He has platonic friends (highly unlikely).
4) He's coming out of the closet (not the one he was trapped in -- the one where homosexuals reside until they make their preference known to others).

I don't know. If it's (4), this is some progressive shit. If it's (1), that baby probably died of club-hopping.

Wait a minute hold on dog. Do she got a kid? She love some waffle house?

Song: Same Girl
Album: Double Up, 2007

Longtime readers are already familiar with the song Same Girl. So you already know it's Usher and R. Kelly, and they're discovering they're in love with the same girl, who also happens to be under the employ of TBS.

Old news.

But now that we know more about R. Kelly - particularly, his love of IHOP - this song suddenly give us pause. What's R. Kelly doing falling for a girl who loves waffle house? This is either proof that opposites attract or else proof that this was the wrong girl for R. Kelly anyway, and he shouldn't be too sad that neither he nor Usher get to bone her anymore, or hang out with her kid.

"I Believe I Can Fly"

Song Title: I believe I can Fly
Album: R-Cd2, 1998

Full Verse:

I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me, oh



This is R.'s most famous song, featured in the Looney Tunes film 'Space Jam' as well as in countless high school graduation ceremonies and sporting events. It's an anthem of hope and good will, of believing in the impossible. There's not a mention of sex or money or hotel lobbies. It's bigger than that.

Last night as I stood in awe outside the Driskill hotel in Austin, watching the crowd as they cheered and hugged shouted 'yes we can', I was truly moved by the human spirit and had hope for the first time about our collective future. Then, like a gift from above, a faction of the celebrating masses started singing in unison, 'I Believe I can Fly'.

It was a beautiful moment. R. would have been proud.

Oh yeah, dare you act shady with the first lady?

Song: Dollar Bill
Album: R Album

You all know what day it is. It's election day! So if you haven't already, get the fuck out there and vote. Cause you know what R. Kelly would say on his answering machine today: If I'm not faded...or makin' a baby... OR VOTING, then I'll call you back.

In this song, R. Kelly stops with the sexin and makin money and bragging/not meaning to brag for just a minute and gets seriously political when he asks his listeners, "Oh yeah? Dare you act shady with the first lady?"

Well? Dare you? It's a good question if you ask me. But in order to ask it of ourselves, we must first consider: Who will the first lady be? Leave it to R. to ask the really important question: Not who will our president be. But who will our first lady be? She is, after all, the nation's first and primary sex symbol. Perhaps even more so than the vice president.

Only you can help pick America's next first lady. And then we'll all ask ourselves whether we'd dar act shady with her. But first things first. Go vote!

This is Player Hater One reporting from PHD base. Over.

Song: The Chase
Album: R Album

In this short but cryptic song, we're privy to a covert conversation between Player Hater One and his Captain Player Hater. What we gather is that the Player Haters have send Player Hatin' spies from PDH base to follow R. Kelly, to whom they refer — in code — as "the talent."

Their objective, from what I can gather, is to stop R. Kelly from being such a sexy mothafucka. Good luck fellows!

Many obstacles, not the least of which is R. Kelly himself, stand in the Player Haters' way. For example, "due to the heavy rains up here it's hard to tell what the talent is carrying. Over."

Captain Player Hater suggests he "try real hard" to ascertain what the talent is carrying. So Player Hater One presumably pulls out his night-vision wear to look more closely; and what he discerns, through all that rain, is that the talent is carrying his latest, sexiest album. An album so playeriffic that all the forces at PHD headquarters couldn't possibly hope to contain it's playerlicious impact.

We all know how this ends. R. Kelly is going to best the Player Haters once again. Perhaps he will even personally take down the Captain Player Hater by sexing CPH's lady in CPH's very own kitchen/shed. But what we don't know is this: Why is R. Kelly walking through the pouring rain with his new album? Doesn't he have distributors to take care of that for him? And where are they anyway? His top-secret recording studio in Area 51?

I guess some things are so top-secret that even we—as principle R. Kelly bloggers—can't even know. Lest they be revealed, somehow, to the Player Hating Squadron.

I dont mean to brag but um

Song: Red Carpet (Pause, Flash)
Album: Happy People/U Saved Me

Whoa, whoa, whoa. In another song, just a few posts down from this one, R. distinctly says, "Yeah, I'm braggin' and I don't give a fuck." And yet here he claims that he doesn't mean to brag, but um. So which is it, R.?

Seconds after asking that question, I realize: Who among us doesn't change their mind? We all sometimes intend to brag, and other times don't mean to brag, but um. And we're totally allowed to say one thing one time and another thing another time. This isn't a court of fucking law or anything.

And even if it was, R. Kelly is totally within his rights to say/do one thing one time and say/do another thing another time. It seems weird that judges are denying him that right. Who do they think they are?

One possible explanation for R. changing his point of view on bragging is simply time. In 2004, when R. released this album, he really didn't mean to brag, but um. Later, in 2008, having probably received so much judgment from judges and other people for offenses like "Bragging" and "peeing on 12 year olds", he was frustrated and more inclined to just end the conversation already. So he's like, "yeah. I'm bragging. And I don't give a fuck. [so go "convict" someone else, you big jerk.]"

I really appreciate that R. is a man who isn't afraid to grow.

"Shes a screamer, shes a screamer"

Song Title: Screamer
Album: 12 Play: Fourth Quarter

Full Verse:
Shawty is a screamer- Yea
Shes a screamer, shes a screamer
Be quiet
Girl calm down
You gotta be quiet


Happy Halloween everybody! For today's post I searched through R.'s archives to find something really scary and instead just found something really sexy. Well, at least I tried!

This song is all about how R. and this girl go to a bedroom during a party and have sex while the party is still going on, and he's so good in bed (we know, we know, R.- you don't have to keep telling us- we get the picture already) that she screams way too loud.

But R.'s conflicted. On the one hand, he's really into it- "I know they're hearin it // But she don't want me to take it out keep goin // And I don't really wanna take it out". He's into her vocals, at least at first- "I say I never heard somebody moanin like that". And even writes a sexalie about its appeal- "She screamin so sexy // It's tropical like a fantasy(yea)".

On the other hand, he's worried about his guests ("Slowly goin in hand on her mouth // Bout to have sex while it's people in my house".) And then the song ends with him saying "Girl Calm Down, You Gotta be Quiet", which implies after a while he really just wants her to shut up and stop screaming.

But really R., how can you expect a girl to keep it cool when you're spanking her/ rolling it/ ramming her hips ??

"Fuck Me? Girl Fuck You!"

Song Title: Real Talk
Album: Double Up, 2007

Full Verse:

You Call My Mommas House And What?
Girl My Momma Aint Gotta Screen No Calls For Me
Real Talk, And Watch Your Mouth
Fuck Me? Girl Fuck You!
I Dont Give A Fuck About What You're Talking About
Im Sick Of This Bullshit Im Coming Home
And Getting My Shit And Gettin Tha Fuck Up Out In A Dodge
You Aint Gotta Worry About Me No More
And The Next Time Your Ass Get Horny
Go Fuck One Of Your Funky Ass Friends
Hell Yeah, You Probably Doing That Shit Anyway
You Gonna Burn What?
Bitch I Wish You Would Burn My Motherfucking Clothes

This actually isn't so much of a verse as it is a long rant by R. Kelly about his girlfriend that he is not happy with. And it isn't so much evidence of his genius as it is just plain interesting. In most of R.'s song he's playing such a romantic (see: 'Sex At 1st Sight', or 'I like the crotch on you'), but in this one he's just plain pissed off. About normal relationship stuff. Like the girl being nice to R. when he gives her money and then yells at him later - "Robert you did this, Kells I heard you did that." Or like the girlfriends of his lady being way too involved in their lives. The guy's having relationship problems! Kinda makes him more human, right?

"Yup, I'm bragging and I don't giva fuck"

Song Title: Two Seater
Album: 12 Play: Fourth Quarter, 2008

Full Verse:
Yeah, man I gotta lot of hoes
Yup, I'm bragging I got alot of clothes
Yup, I'm bragging I got alot of cars
Yup, I'm bragging, bitch I'm a superstar
And Yup I'm bragging I got alot of ice
Yup, I'm bragging got stunners on at night
Yup, I'm bragging I'm ballin in the club
Yup, I'm bragging and I don't giva fuck

Well, at least we don't have to worry about R.'s self confidence.

This seems at first glance to be a far cry from his earlier reflections on his continuing prosperity and fame- (see: "I appreciate them for supportin R.Kelly" , where he is much more humble about his success) . Though I guess these lyrics don't imply he's not still grateful. He's just simultaneously calling us bitch and bragging about how much stuff he has.

Fair enough.

He is, after all, R. Kelly.

Lookin' at you from the inside of this internet

Song: 2nd Kelly
Album: R

What?

When I first read this line, I had a brief, Zoolander moment: "The files are inside the computer?"

Closely followed by an eery, 1984 moment, where I was like, "Shit! R. Kelly is the new B. Brother and he's watching everything I do from inside the internet!"

I furiously flipped through our blog. Is there anything on here that I don't want R. to know?

The answer is, No. There isn't. I'm proud of every single thing we've said. And if I were R., watching this blog from inside the internet, I'd realize, "Hey. These bloggers are accusing me of being handsome, sexy, deep, interesting and pretty much musically superior to everything out there. I've been accused of FAR worse things than that."

And how.

More to come on this song, by the way. It's deep, interesting and pretty much musically superiour to everything out there. Wait. What's that, R.? You say hold on? Oh, yes. You're right. It's musically superior to everything out there except R. Kelly's other songs. Duh, R. That's why I said 'pretty much.'

"i'm lovin' the way you're movin' erotic exotic sexy kittens sippin' hypnotic spotted you shakin it fast"

Song Title: Snake
Album: Chocolate Factory, 2003

Now, don't be fooled by the title of this song. Though it is called 'Snake' and though there are actually a few references to snakes ("I want to taste your venom"), this piece of genius is way more than just a song about Snakes as a sexaphor for sex. In this one song you get sexaphors surrounding a wide variety of topics, such as:

The club freezing (when she shakes her ass)
A string popping on a guitar
Cuban Cigar smoke
Parenting
Sports: the ball being in her court, etc.
Earthquakes
Serena Williams

See? This song is jammed packed! You really have to pay close attention to follow the story line. But I must admit, R. did kinda loose me with this kitten lyric. So it's a hypnotic kitten that's very exotic and also very erotic? I don't know about this one, R. .

It seems to me, when you're a giant superstar who tends to get in trouble for having sexual encounters with underage girls, you shouldn't start talking about how sexy very young animals are and how you'd like to do them.

Kittens, in my book, are better left described as cute.

"Now its like murder she wrote "

Song title: Ignition (Remix)
Album: Chocolate Factory, 2003

Full Verse:
now its like murder she wrote
once i get you out them clothes
privacy is on the door
still they can hear you screamin more
girl im feelin what you feelin
no more hopin and wishin
im bout to take my key and stick it in the ignition

In this post I'd like to just ask our readers for a little help. Can anyone lend any insight into how, exactly, this situation (R. having sex and/or driving) is at all like Murder She Wrote? I'm not saying it's NOT like Murder She Wrote- of course I trust R. completely to write appropriate sexaphors/ sexilies- but I would like some ideas on how this comparison in particular works.

It's love-o'clock and we're broadcasting live

Song: Weatherman
Album: Happy People/U Saved Me

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "A sex-a-phor! Look! He's using am radio lingo to talk about sex! I totally get it! I could write this blog myself!"

That's where you're wrong, dear readers. But good try anyway.

What this here is, is a love-a-phor, from a phase in his music-making that art historians will one day refer to as R. Kelly's Glee Period. In this album (Just look at the name—"Happy People/U Saved Me) R. stops thinking about sex in so many words for a minute and takes a fresh look around him, eyes a-twinkle. He thinks to himself: What a wonderful world!

Just look at some more of the lyrics from this song:

Hello world
It's a great day
And nothing but blue skies
Be thankful
Put a smile on your face
Tell somebody hi
Get your car shined
It's the weekend
And I can feel the love

It's R. Kelly's personal take on Zippity-Do-Da!

So how do we explain the sudden shift from sex-a-phor to love-a-phor? Easy, guys. This is a song that R. Kelly wrote seconds after getting laid in a seriously satisfying way. Maybe he did it pretty much all night long with some girl, and now it's morning, and the sun is shining, and the birds are chirping, and R. Kelly is just another happy dude on his way to IHOP for some pancakes.

God, it's so great to know that R. Kelly doesn't just go around sexing and feeling bored about it. He's not all, like, "Yeah, I'm doing my hair braider. But, whatever." This shit brings some serious joy into R. Kelly's life. Some serious LOVE. You know?

So take a hint. Get happy. Get your car shined. Have a good one.

"Hairbraider, huh I'm doin my hairbraider"

Song Title: Hair Braider
Album: 12 Play: Fourth Quarter, 2008

Full Verse:
hairbraider huh I'm doin my hairbraider
And she do my hair so good that I'm gonna tip her
The way she strip for me I gotta tip her

Um, ya think?
Of COURSE R.'s doing this hair braider.

I'm a little insulted he thinks he needs to spell this out for us. Doesn't he think we know him at all? I mean, at this point you gotta think any female R. comes into contact with he's gonna do. Not to say he isn't picky, but we have to assume anyone R. hires to braid his hair would have to be at least kinda sexy. And can you imagine R. sitting there, as this at least kinda sexy hair braider braids his hair, without trying to do her? I don't think so.

And then, in the next line, R.'s acting like he's being generous by tipping her. I should think he would!! Everyone tips their hairdresser. I tip mine and he doesn't even do me!

"I'm all up in your milk...oooh it taste like skittles"

Song Title: Sweet Tooth
Album: Double Up, 2007

Full Verse:
Got a sweet tooth for you girl
Baby I'm tempted to taste
I can't wait to drink your milk
Your looking like a big whole piece of cake
I'm all up in your milk
oooh it taste like skittles




So this whole song, as you probably guessed, is just one long sexaphor comparing doing it with his lady to eating candy. It's a natural, really. I'm surprised it took R. this long into his career to come up with it.

But in this line in particular, I have to ask this: is R mixing Sexaphors here? Milk, skittles- he's got alot of different things to compare your bodily fluids to, it seems.
And that's exactly why we love him.

"I appreciate them for supportin R.Kelly"

Song Title: "I like Love"
Album: Double Up, 2007

Full Verse:
Yeah I hope ya'll understand
You know what I'm sayin cause
There's people out there that
You know fans that will probably never get to see me
I'll probably never get to see them
But I want them to know that I love em
You know what I'm sayin
I appreciate them for supportin R.Kelly
The different countries All different cultures,
The world
Ya'll made me who I am
And I just wanna take this song to say thank you
God bless you and your families
Peace

Did we realize what a global sensation R. Kelly is? I know I didn't. But don't worry, R. does. And he's very grateful. For the support of ALL the different cultures. ALL the different countries.

Though I must admit, as much as I want every last person on this (sex) planet to know and love R. Kelly, I have to wonder how much his antics will appeal to the average man. For instance, when I went to Laos, I only heard two songs. 'Hotel California' and the the Titanic song, 'My Heart will Go On'. Neither of these give me much hope for R.'s popularity in this region of the world. I don't know if they even have lawnmowers and Legos over there.

Either I'm high or, I think I just saw a dolphin

Song Title: Big Chips
Album: Unfinished Business
Featuring: Jay-Z

Two very distinct possibilities: Either R. is high, or he thinks he just saw a dolphin.

Now, since this song purpotedly begins in Las Vegas with Jay-Z, it's important that, like R., we examine the situation carefully before jumping to any erroneous conclusions. There aren't many dolphins in Vegas. Then again, he sings this line on the fadeout. So it's very likely that by then, R. has already moved somewhere else. Who are we to question? R. Kelly doesn't have to check in with us if he wants to jet from Vegas to another place with girls in bikinis.

So let's say he is on the beach. Most people sitting on the beach, staring into the water, would assume that the finned, squeaky, self-righteous creature they saw cavorting with its dolphin bretheren WAS, in fact, a dolphin.

They might say, “Look! A dolphin!”

But imagine their embarrassment when, whoops! Not a dophin. Instead, they were just high.

R. Kelly, who’s singing about this dolphin not only to his [presumably hot female] companion but also to the entire world, has to be extra careful before he says for sure that that creature over there was a dolphin.

Either I'm high, or I think this line is awesome.

"And it's gotta be sexy so I'll think it through carefully"

Song Title: "Feelin' You in Stereo"
Album: Unfinished Business 2004

Full Verse:
I'm, in the studio thinkin' about my next hit song
Tryin' to come up with a melody that will turn you on
On the MPC3000 tryin' to come up with beats
That'll make come on over here and lay down here with me
I'm searchin' for that special mind blowin' melody
And it's gotta be sexy so I'll think it through carefully

Well now, here we have it. After weeks of hypothesizing about R.'s song writing techniques, we now have hard evidence. R. Kelly, as we guessed, is constantly trying to think of the absolute sexiest lyrics he possibly can, with the sole objective of having more sex. Case closed.

Is it time to end the blog?

I don't think so. We still have the lyric "Except I'm Your Sex-A-Saurus Baby" to cover. That may take years to fully explore.

I like the crotch on you

Song Title: I like the crotch on you
Album: 12Play

Full Verse:
I like the ... with big booties in 'em
I like the crotch on you
I want what you've got baby

Girl I like those daisy dukes on you
Girl you look so fine, I wanna get with you
So tell me who's your man,
We will have a talk with him

We're seeing a common theme come out here: R.'s unfailing honesty. While other men might claim they love "your eyes" or "your smile" or "your personality," let's just sex right to the cut here.

Ladies, it's your crotch they love. Duh. How refreshing that R. comes right out and says so, with such candor.

Then, ever the straightforward type, he suggests he and this lady whose crotch he admires go and have a talk with her man. I imagine he will say, "Good sir. I was looking at your lady here in her daisy dukes and I have decided that she is possessed of an unbelievable crotch. So if you don't mind, I'd like to [insert your favorite sexaphor here] said crotch."

And the man in question will, of course, be glad to have been spoken to so candidly, and will reply in a pleasant manner: "Why, of course R. Be my guest. It is a fine crotch, is it not?"

And the lady would bat her eyes coyly, but why bother? Nobody cares about her eyes. What she should be batting coyly—if anything—is her crotch.

We need to stop chokin' on the truth, and start smokin' on a plan man

Song Title: As I Look Into My Life
Album:

This is one of R.'s more meaningful songs. In it, he's asking his brothers and sisters from the ghetto to rise up, stop choking on the truth, start smoking on a plan, respect women and keep people's babies from dying in the street.

R. would like to make a small caveat, which is that by "respecting that woman" he means not letting the frying pan handles or dirty lawnmower parts jab her in the back while you're doin' her in the kitchen/shed.

Also, R. hopes people of the ghetto will do what he's done, and become a musical genius. Writing, performing and sexin' to killer genius lyrics is one good way to escape all those dead babies.

And even though this is such a profoundly deep and meaningful song, I still totally get it.

Hell. I'm smokin' on a plan right now.

"Girl push menu and check out the features just let me put this adaptor in you it will keep you charged up"

Song Title: Remote Control
Album: TP3:Reloaded, 2005

I just stumbled across this little gem of a song and was completely blown away. Talk about sex-a-phors!! He relates every button on the remote control to a different aspect of doing it. Stay tunned for more lines from this song over the coming weeks. I won't spoil anything, but I will say that he mentions that the power button is "down", that his lady is welcome to "program him", and then eventually he requests his lady uses the "Mute" because she's making so much noise.

Again, it's fun to picture R. sitting on his couch, trying to think of an idea for a song, looking around the room for inspiration. The TV Set? No, that's not sexy enough.... Coffee table? Could we do it on a coffee table? Lamp? Eh. Then his eyes settled on the remote and he thought, now that is sexy.

"Sex At 1st Sight"

Song Title: "Good Sex"

Album: Double Up, 2007

Full Verse:

Ooh My Goodness
Sex At 1st Sight Girl
When I Look At U
Walkin And Talkin
While U Strutin That Thang
Across The Room
Shit U Almost Made Me Spill My Drink

Awww, now this is a sweet one.  It sort of reminds me of 'Some Enchanted Evening', from the musical South Pacific.

Let's compare:
Some enchanted evening
When you find your true love,
When you feel her call you
Across a crowded room,
Then fly to her side,
And make her your own
For all through your life you
May dream all alone.

See? He's just updating a classic.  Playing with that old idea that in the blink of an eye your whole life can change. Cupid's arrow can strike at any moment, that sort of thing.  Except in his version, being the honest gent he is, R.'s not going to make any promises about "all through your life" or make any great claims of "love". He's just telling it like it is- at first sight he wants to do you.

"Wait a damn minute- Bend it over now lemme put Kells in it"

Song Title: "Bobble"
Album: 12 Play: 4th Quarter, 2008

Full Verse:
The way you turn around and make a drop off in here
Make a playa' want to get his rocks off in here (Hold up)
Wait a damn minute Bend it over now lemme put Kells in it

Holy shit! This is R.'s most recent song and, dare I say it, his dirtiest song? Is R. Kelly getting dirtier, now that his trial is over and he's no longer under suspicion of peeing on pre-teens? (At least, not legally under suspicion).

This little speech of R. Kelly's takes place at a club. He's just saying this to some random chick on the dance floor, mind you. Which makes the whole serenade seem much cheaper, dirtier, less respectable, than if he were, say, in the kitchen or by his dirty lawnmower. Was Charmillionaire around when R. was writing this song?